The VMgAys

What sup MTV? Where have you gone? Why do you suck, so badly, on so many levels right now? Can we all go back, back to the time where TRL was the reason you came home from school, back when Spring Break was a month long ode to all things ridiculous and awesome. Back to a time when Undressed was on late night and made me question whether I could apply to this crazy sex orgy at the age of what? Jesus I was totally like 10 years old watching all of this. Anyway. MTV used to be cool. You didn’t have to watch The Real World Road Rules Challenges in secret. The Real World used to be my Jersey Shore. It was everyone’s once a week ape shit excitement. Right now Jersey Whores I mean Shore is basically all MTV has going for it. O and True Life, let us not shit on True Life cuz it be the truth.

So it comes time for the pinnacle moment of MTV’s year. THE VMA’S. The VMA’s are amped up for weeks before the show. MTV goes banana’s with advertizing. I’m pretty sure my grandma knew exactly what time the VMA’s were on. MTV doesn’t fuck around with branding itself o EVERYWHERE. So why MTV, why plug a show to epic proportions and than fail on so many levels? Why must you get me so excited and than slowly sing me to sleep? Why didn’t you just rename the VMA’s BJBAN – Beyonce and Jay Z’s Big Ass Night. Because I mean come on. The night totally belonged to them and them alone. Oh and that kid from The Karate Kid.

Gaga I love you. I really do. Sometimes though I do kind of think you’ve been standing too close to the dry erase board you plan all of your outfits on. Stop sniffing the markers hun. So on one hand I am totally blown away that you dressed in drag all night. You are seriously sticking to your point of showing the mainstream that there are alternate lifestyles out there. And yes I know there are all of those people who say that you’re doing it for the attention, for the media following, and when you showed up in the god damn egg I was all ok bitch is coocoo for cocoa puffs. BUT. You really are being a voice to those unable to show who they are. A straight female superstar has never shown so much love for the GLBT community. Ok Madonna reps the homo’s but nowhere to Gaga’s level and I kinda sorta (come close I don’t want to shout this) hate Madonna. Yeh I said it. Kill me. The whole British accent she adopted basically sealed the deal for me.  Accents aren’t black babies from Africa. You can’t just adopt them. Now on the other hand Gaga sometimes I feel like you aren’t real. Maybe that’s the point. But I wish that sometimes I was getting you, don’t turn all Nicki Minaj on us and have a plethora of characters in your head. Its confusing. Oh and scary. So often do female celebrities cater to an audience of gay men but Gaga is full circling it. You can hate her music, but it is rare as fuck that someone devotes so much of their career to demanding equal rights and telling the youth that its ok to be who you are. If I ever hear Born This Way again I may die but the fact that Gaga had a song like that ruling the airwaves, hitting small towns in the deep south and the Midwest where queer kids are growing up in fear  of who they are . The fact that those kids can come home from being bullied at school from dealing with parents who don’t understand and hear a voice tell them “God makes no mistakes” well I will chalk that up as a mega win.

Back to The VMA’s aka The BJBAN’s I’ve come to the conclusion that technology is killing us all. The whole Twitter check in bullshit that was going on all night was fucking OBNOXIOUS.  Where was you know, the music at? I can tell you what the number one hashtag of the night was but I honestly do not even remember who won video of the year. Wait I just checked. Katy Perry for Firework. Ah its all coming back to me, what the fuck was she wearing? Like seriously what.the.fuck. Cheese head much? I’m also pretty sure MTV sent out a mass memo to every presenter that they had to wear glitter. Every single mother fucker that walked up to the mic sparkled like a drag queen at prom. Ugh.

About those performances.

Kanye: Hey Jigga you know we’re both like mad rich and we could like go on stage and straight up just pee on the audience and it would be hype as shit.

Jay Z: Yeh Yeezy but you fucked shit up enough last year. Lets just do us. Get drunk and run around stage. Cuz you know at the end of the night we the richest n****’s here.

Kanye: Yeh we is. Plus you got the queen of the world pregnant.

Jay Z: Yea I did. Yea I did.

Otis is arguably the best track on The Throne and that really isn’t saying much because the album kind of fucking sucks. Its a hodgepodge of other peoples songs and Jay and Kanye telling us how god damn filthy rich they are. Awesome. Thanks guys. We get it.

Adele’s performance was obviously the best of the night. That is a statement. Its a fact. Its the truth.

Dry your eyes.

Chris Brown. Chris Brown. Chris Brown. We all know that you can dance your ass off. The aerial shit was wack as all get out. Pink already showed us a true performance up in the air. You my friend just looked like a Spider Man extra.

The Amy Winehouse tribute was surprisingly really good. Its rare that you see Russel Brand being genuine and touching I seriously wish I could have hung out with him and Amy together. Bouncing around from seedy bar to seedy bar. Watching them do coke off of toilet bowls. Drinking bottles of whiskey and lighting things on fire…I digress. I love me some Winehouse. Its a damn shame that her addiction closed the curtain on such an amazing talent. I am not a Bruno Mars fan however. Not even a little bit. His songs are pieces of glamorized crap. This dude agrees with me:

He won best new artist. Which I do not agree with, while we  may share a mutual hate for Bruno Mars I’m just not on the Tyler band wagon. Gucci Gucci is all I have to say.

I think some other shit went down. But I really don’t feel like wasting the brain space trying to remember. The VMA’s were a perfect way to end an epic waste of a weekend destroyed by Irene.

Let us conclude with a moment of silence for Little Wayne


Good Gay & Hungry

So kids this is it. My ode to everything that I just can’t keep my hands off of, can’t stop myself from devouring. From my biggest passion of all food, to the words of people I can’t stop reading, the beats that are slowly destroying my hearing. This is everything that has a hold on me. I’m hungry.

This weekend left all of us New Yorkers with not much else to do but sit in front of the T.V. devouring calories, indulging in both ridiculous reality shows and double stuff Oreo’s. Now rarely do I become absolutely obsessed with a show (ok Jerseylicious and Sister Wives did have me for a second), actually that is totally a lie reality t.v. sucks you the fuck in regardless of how tragically horrible it is. But this, this new love of mine, this is different. This. Is. My. Big. Fat. Gypsy. MOTHERFUCKING. Wedding.

Obsession has never taken hold so quickly. I hear heroin hooks you from the first time the needle hits your skin. Actually I know this to be absolutely true as Intervention is pretty much my favorite show well, ever. “These people have agreed to be on a show about addiction” aka they are too high to realize that this is the line they feed everyone on Intervention. Seriously why has no one caught on? Even the dudes from to Catch a Predator have gotten a bit suspicious. Emphasis on “some” 

O god I’ve gotten lost in a reality t.v. vortex. It’s like word vomit. Well. Hello new reality heroin. Gypsy Wives somehow combines Jersey Shore, Swamp People, My Big Ass Pimped Out Trailer (which doesn’t exist yet…but should), True Life, Teen Mom and Dateline. Seriously the producers must just poop gold. They all have a golden ticket. They all went to Willy Wonka’s factory. They won the Superbowl. They are going to Disney World. They schooled Charlie Sheen on what it means to truly be winning. These mothafucka’s got shit right.

When I think of a gypsy I think bangles, tons of jewelry, bright colored dresses, dusty roads and wagons. Of course I knew that this probably wasn’t the modern day case but I mean its not like I devote that much brain space to Gypsies anyway. But this? This was o so not what I was thinking a modern day “traveler” was. These people are sexist, let their kids dress like baby prostitutes, encourage bare knuckle boxing as a way to solve problems, drink way too much, and have mouths that a sailor would A. Not be able to understand B. Not be able to understand C. Blush at maybe a little when he got to understanding. Yet somehow, somehow past all of this I really truly kinda like em. They are all about community and family, they hold true to tradition and stand by each other no matter what. The English government and most of English society treats them like total shit, and the more you watch the more you realize that these are people just trying to get by. They are trying to stay true to the generations of travelers before them and are simply being kicked in the face by modern day society. #teamgypsywives

Somehow by the good grace of the t.v. gods our Gypsy Bride marathon was followed by a Style Channel special on Transgendered kids. SERIOUSLY HURRICANE IRENE YOU BROUGHT THE GOODS. First of all when did Style get all in touch with the GLBTQ world? Clearly like last week seeing as commercial breaks were filled with such tips as how to make your day shorts go flawlessly into evening and what whites are ok this year after Labor Day. Yaawwwwwnnn. I watch Style shows with the same face as Joan Rivers. O! Up high.

Anyway back to the kids. This show was deep. Like way above the rafters of Style Channel deep. They allowed the kids to explain themselves in their own words. I cried. Like the entire show. Totally beat Irene as far as water levels went. In the ever present argument that goes on in our country about gay rights forgotten time and time again are trans people. The struggles that those who were either born in the wrong body or those who simply refuse to confine and restrict themselves to any specific gender have to go through. I get it, people often fear what they don’t understand, but when violence reaches down into our schools something needs to be done. A case that immedietly comes to mind is that of Lawrence King, a 15 year old California boy who was fond of wearing heels to school. He was killed when shot in the head by a fellow student. Administration was completely aware of the bullying that King was enduring but failed to do a god damn thing. All of the kids featured on Style’s special expressed their deep fears of the other children at school not understanding their transformation and plaguing their lives with hate, making school life unbearable. I look back at how I was in middle school one big ol bitch, I was a brat. Hormones were raging, kids were mean. People often say that high school was the worst time in their lives. So not the case for me. Middle school sucked. Never were my classmates meaner than between the ages of 12 and 14. Its during this that sexuality  is really put out there. You want to express who you are and what you’re about. Often running the risk of being chastised by those who are either jealous of you or simply do not agree with who you are becoming. Now go back to that time in your life and imagine if on top of all of the other teenage bullshit you also were dealing with notion that you were more than just a bit different, that you were going through changes that no one else could even comprehend. Gay people experience something very similar, but even that can be hidden until the time is right. Transgendered kids aren’t given that curtain, that so called closet to eventually come out of. They want acceptance as much as everyone else, to be accepted for who they truly are. But society has yet to catch up. In every face detailed on the show, you saw bravery, you heard articulation that greatly surpassed their age. These individuals had been forced to grow up and face issues that most adults would never have to imagine being confronted with. Hope was all you saw.

“They called me gay boy, do you know what that is? Because I don’t.” Children reciting words they heard out of adults mouths. Parents who instill hate inside their kids. It makes me sick. New generations can’t erase hate if we have to constantly deal with the handicap of our elders jaded perceptions. I implore everyone to further educate themselves on trans rights and the issues facing the community.

Irene Irene you have kept me in the house for far too long. My thoughts have all been able to simmer and eventually boil the fuck over. Everyone get out of the house and enjoy the dun dun dun outside. I hear its safe again. This kid needs to eat some real food.

Later gators!