What sup MTV? Where have you gone? Why do you suck, so badly, on so many levels right now? Can we all go back, back to the time where TRL was the reason you came home from school, back when Spring Break was a month long ode to all things ridiculous and awesome. Back to a time when Undressed was on late night and made me question whether I could apply to this crazy sex orgy at the age of what? Jesus I was totally like 10 years old watching all of this. Anyway. MTV used to be cool. You didn’t have to watch The Real World Road Rules Challenges in secret. The Real World used to be my Jersey Shore. It was everyone’s once a week ape shit excitement. Right now Jersey Whores I mean Shore is basically all MTV has going for it. O and True Life, let us not shit on True Life cuz it be the truth.
So it comes time for the pinnacle moment of MTV’s year. THE VMA’S. The VMA’s are amped up for weeks before the show. MTV goes banana’s with advertizing. I’m pretty sure my grandma knew exactly what time the VMA’s were on. MTV doesn’t fuck around with branding itself o EVERYWHERE. So why MTV, why plug a show to epic proportions and than fail on so many levels? Why must you get me so excited and than slowly sing me to sleep? Why didn’t you just rename the VMA’s BJBAN – Beyonce and Jay Z’s Big Ass Night. Because I mean come on. The night totally belonged to them and them alone. Oh and that kid from The Karate Kid.
Gaga I love you. I really do. Sometimes though I do kind of think you’ve been standing too close to the dry erase board you plan all of your outfits on. Stop sniffing the markers hun. So on one hand I am totally blown away that you dressed in drag all night. You are seriously sticking to your point of showing the mainstream that there are alternate lifestyles out there. And yes I know there are all of those people who say that you’re doing it for the attention, for the media following, and when you showed up in the god damn egg I was all ok bitch is coocoo for cocoa puffs. BUT. You really are being a voice to those unable to show who they are. A straight female superstar has never shown so much love for the GLBT community. Ok Madonna reps the homo’s but nowhere to Gaga’s level and I kinda sorta (come close I don’t want to shout this) hate Madonna. Yeh I said it. Kill me. The whole British accent she adopted basically sealed the deal for me. Accents aren’t black babies from Africa. You can’t just adopt them. Now on the other hand Gaga sometimes I feel like you aren’t real. Maybe that’s the point. But I wish that sometimes I was getting you, don’t turn all Nicki Minaj on us and have a plethora of characters in your head. Its confusing. Oh and scary. So often do female celebrities cater to an audience of gay men but Gaga is full circling it. You can hate her music, but it is rare as fuck that someone devotes so much of their career to demanding equal rights and telling the youth that its ok to be who you are. If I ever hear Born This Way again I may die but the fact that Gaga had a song like that ruling the airwaves, hitting small towns in the deep south and the Midwest where queer kids are growing up in fear of who they are . The fact that those kids can come home from being bullied at school from dealing with parents who don’t understand and hear a voice tell them “God makes no mistakes” well I will chalk that up as a mega win.
Back to The VMA’s aka The BJBAN’s I’ve come to the conclusion that technology is killing us all. The whole Twitter check in bullshit that was going on all night was fucking OBNOXIOUS. Where was you know, the music at? I can tell you what the number one hashtag of the night was but I honestly do not even remember who won video of the year. Wait I just checked. Katy Perry for Firework. Ah its all coming back to me, what the fuck was she wearing? Like seriously what.the.fuck. Cheese head much? I’m also pretty sure MTV sent out a mass memo to every presenter that they had to wear glitter. Every single mother fucker that walked up to the mic sparkled like a drag queen at prom. Ugh.
About those performances.
Kanye: Hey Jigga you know we’re both like mad rich and we could like go on stage and straight up just pee on the audience and it would be hype as shit.
Jay Z: Yeh Yeezy but you fucked shit up enough last year. Lets just do us. Get drunk and run around stage. Cuz you know at the end of the night we the richest n****’s here.
Kanye: Yeh we is. Plus you got the queen of the world pregnant.
Jay Z: Yea I did. Yea I did.
Otis is arguably the best track on The Throne and that really isn’t saying much because the album kind of fucking sucks. Its a hodgepodge of other peoples songs and Jay and Kanye telling us how god damn filthy rich they are. Awesome. Thanks guys. We get it.
Adele’s performance was obviously the best of the night. That is a statement. Its a fact. Its the truth.
Dry your eyes.
Chris Brown. Chris Brown. Chris Brown. We all know that you can dance your ass off. The aerial shit was wack as all get out. Pink already showed us a true performance up in the air. You my friend just looked like a Spider Man extra.
The Amy Winehouse tribute was surprisingly really good. Its rare that you see Russel Brand being genuine and touching I seriously wish I could have hung out with him and Amy together. Bouncing around from seedy bar to seedy bar. Watching them do coke off of toilet bowls. Drinking bottles of whiskey and lighting things on fire…I digress. I love me some Winehouse. Its a damn shame that her addiction closed the curtain on such an amazing talent. I am not a Bruno Mars fan however. Not even a little bit. His songs are pieces of glamorized crap. This dude agrees with me:
He won best new artist. Which I do not agree with, while we may share a mutual hate for Bruno Mars I’m just not on the Tyler band wagon. Gucci Gucci is all I have to say.
I think some other shit went down. But I really don’t feel like wasting the brain space trying to remember. The VMA’s were a perfect way to end an epic waste of a weekend destroyed by Irene.
Let us conclude with a moment of silence for Little Wayne