Shit That May Kill You

So Zagat alerted me late last week of a delicious new creation, and by delicious I mean disgusting, friends I give you Cigar Beer.—-in-a-beer/50150576/1

Mmm yumm now the thing that was just killing my liver tastes like that thing which is giving me mouth cancer. Double death whammy in every sip. Tastay!

Moving right along with the theme of things that may just kill you, something utterly genius flashed across my T.V. screen and well I just about passed out right then and there. There is nothing this kid loves more than an amazing burger. I mean who doesn’t? Now what could possibly make a burger better? Bacon. Duh obviously but that is so played out. Bacon makes everything better. Old news. What can you do to a burger to make it just ooze sex? Put it between two grilled cheese sandwiches.

You just fell over. Its cool. Wipe the drool off your face. Calm down. I’ll make you one…we just won’t tell anyone what we’ve done.

Now because I went to school in the Rochester area my get it done don’t talk about it tomorrow drunk food was something you New York kids just don’t know about. When I’m at my worst there is only one thing that will mildly sober me up and that award goes to the one and only Garbage Plate. No, no typo I really am in love with a meal called a garbage plate. Behold:

Home fries, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, meat sauce, and a scoop of mac salad. #youdontevenunderstand

Now the best place to stumble upon something that will certainly ensure an early death is a college campus. When I’ve done a few too many keg stands and confused a few too many sorority girls there is only one thing I want to lay down with at night; a fat bitch. She tastes just right, will hold me tight, and keep hangovers away in fright.

You’re like what the fuck is that? Oh let me explain, that is gastro death in a roll. Philly cheesesteak, chicken fingers, mozz sticks, o and fries. Oh Rutgers University you keepin it classy. But wait there’s more if you can eat 5 in 45 minutes they will name a sandwich after you…or purchase your grave stone.

So I know, you’re still hungry, and with it being summer and all, your in that cook out mood. Summer to me has always meant a pool, burgers, and hot dogs DUH. But grilling is so archaic and we are American’s after all. How bout we deep fry them puppies? Jersey you gave us the Fat Bitch, now GIVE ME DEEP FRIED WEINERS!

Done. And done. Oh and that relish? You better believe its the best relish I have ever had in my life. (I don’t even like relish) Even better, they will fry your doggie to your pleasure. The longer the nastier though. The Creamator is legit hot dog leather.

Its 2 AM and I got really nostalgic thinking about things from my past that always managed to make me happier than a turkey who just found out he’ll live to see another Thanksgiving. Time to make a Garabage Plate.


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