Slap to the Past

So I was recently looking at my sisters middle school pictures and came to the conclusion that she will never have awkward please burn that and promise to never blackmail me with it photo’s. This partially has to do with the fact that she’s a good looking kid, I won’t contest that. But it has so much to do with the fact that kids these days are fucking trendy as shit. Like seriously. I see kids in SOHO donning more expensive threads than I could ever hope to own. This is  simply not fair as it states in Growing Up Law everyone has to have those 3 (ok for me maybe more like 5) years of life where they made the asbolute worst decisions style wise . You are excluded if you were a teen in the late eighties. Because that style generation wrongdoing lasted right on up to the early 2000’s.

Seriously. I used to wear turtlenecks. And overalls. Oh but not just normal overalls no no. Overall shorts. ?!? Thanks mom and dad. Let’s also not forget that I wasn’t always 6 ‘1” and have always had massive feat. Size 9 by the time I was out of elementary school massive.

Let us stroll down memory lane, clothing wise, trend wise, toy wise, shit this is about to get mildly depressing.

Now as a young girl I wanted to bake just like mom.
No actually my mom could barely make toast nevermind bake – love you. I really just wanted to get my eat on in the privacy of my own room. (I was meant to be fat God made me gay instead)
So of course I had an Easy Bake Oven. What fun! 45 minutes to bake what was essentially the top of a cupcake. And only enough mix to make 2 at a time. I was already suspicious of my Easy Bake Ovens sub par abilities and than one day it stopped working. I of course flipped the fuck out.

Me: Mommm my Easy Bake Oven isn’t working! It just stopped. Poof. Its over. No more cupcakes. No more frosting. My room won’t smell like baked goods. Mommmm! Its. All. Over.

Mom: Babe calm down we’ll just have to get you a new lightbulb.


Mom: That’s how it works Neen.


For reals? A bulb. Safe to say I threw my oven the fuck out and became a big kid that day using the grown up oven. Psh. I will not be had.

Now idk if anyone else had one of these. I didn’t and thank god for that because I would have gotten no sleep. But my best friend did.

Nothing says I love my kids like buying a bear that reads to them. Oh yeah and he’s kinda creepy. O and when his batteries die he kind of sounds like a zombie. Pretty sure no kid asked Santa for Teddy Rux Rux ever.

Remember when you thought you were way too cool for Abercrombie and Hollister and were all fuck my 8:00 curfew. I listen to Linkin Park and Emenem. Who the hell is Green Day anyway? Now what pants could go with this mindset. Hm…

You know I don’t even have anything valid to say about these.
It was just so wrong. They were 80 bucks. Mine were bright blue. I hear people still wear them in the Midwest. O and at Raves. So yeh somewhere in an abandoned barn in the Midwest.

Snap Bands 
I still don’t understand why these were so huge. I do understand that when I recently found one I snapped my wrist about 10x. It makes no sense. But I love them still.

Light Up Shoes
Get. At. Me. Someone make these for adults. NOW!
When I was younger I had this total obsession with Shirley Temple movies. I would tap dance all over the god damn place. And than magically my shoes lit to the beat. I think this is when I got high for the first time. Magic shoes. Fucking magic. *note this google search generated far too many images of Sketchers. I can not believe I used to rock Sketchers with no shame. None. None at all. A moment of silence for the shoe horrors that once took place on my ginormous feet.

Stfu. Don’t even say wack. I will hit you in the face with my gold plated slammer. This was essentially the lowest budget toy invention since marbles. But we all bit.

Baby G watches
Yeah yeah Kanye may have brought them to the hood. But us suburban kids were rockin these back in 4th grade. Baby blue. On ma wrist. 9 years old. Stuntin.

Stupid fucking card games
I will say without embarrassment that I collected Pokemon cards. I will say with absolute PRIDE that I never collected Magic the Gathering cards. They were like the place holder between Dungeons and Dragons and World of Warcraft.

Thank god we grew up before that whole organic craze took off. You had to know you were being “the lazy parent” when you sent your kids off to school with one of these puppies. The best parents aka the ones who did not care what their children was ingesting during the 8 peaceful hours they were out of the house, packed their kids the Nacho or pizza kind. Lunchroom trading gold. You could trade Lunchables pizza like an Apple share.
Mm. Processed food.

Thanks for strolling down memory disaster lane with me.
I really wish I was 11 right now. Kickin it in my UFO’s listening to The All American Rejects. Dippn my nacho’s on the back of the bus while kids around me played Magic and that one girl curled up in the front with her beanie baby collection. *sigh*


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