Tryna Catch Me Ridin Dirty

Since I’ve moved back to The Dominican Republic I mean Washington Heights, my Subway riding has greatly increased, and it has lead to some interesting encounters. Every New Yorker has a plethora of “O my god you’ll never believe what just happened to me on the Subway…” stories. Live farm animals, people having sex, absolutely ridiculous conversations, all out fights, walk of shames, o the goodness never stops. If any network was on their shit they would be pitching a Subway reality t.v. show. People in the Midwest would lose their shit. I’m also fairly certain admission to NYC colleges would decline but you know whatever such is the sacrifice for great television. Growing up riding these city rails I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it all and now, now I think its time to break down the repeat offenders ie; subway passengers from hell.

The eater.
Uhm. Hm. Of all of the fine establishments our city has to offer why o why must you choose to get your eat on ON the train? The thought of eating in the Subway actually repulses me. I feel like all of the insanely gross things that go down everyday just circulate and stay in the air. So that sandwich you’re devouring. It has feet on it; or nail clippings because I have seen on more than one occasion individuals clipping their nails like it aint no thang. O hai this isn’t your bathroom. Being hit by a strangers flying nail bits is essentially equal to being peed on by a dog. Which coincidentally has also almost happened to me. But I digress, that salad you’re munching on a rat basically pooped in it. If Subway air got a health inspection grade it would be a D. Aka the Subway would be shut. down.

Which brings me to a point I’ve been campaigning for years. I’ll make picket signs and go all Occupy Wall Street if I have to: Subway (the chain) sandwiches are an alone food. Either eat that shit in a Subway store or by your god damn self. It is a fact that Subway reeks. Once you enter Subway, you smell like Subway. My college had a Subway on campus. The days I knew I was going in for a 5 dollar foot long I would pack a spare hoodie sprayed down with cologne ready to go for class (when I made it to class). Starbucks has the same lingering scent effect, except most people would rather sniff coffee beans than you know sweet onion teryaki.

The In Car Performer(s)
Go. Away. Like seriously. Go. Away. Since when did it seem like a good idea to do back flips on moving Subway cars? Plus its like 11 PM don’t you have school in the morning? I don’t want to listen to a Swizz Beats loop on repeat. And I don’t want to have to worry about being kicked in the face by a Timb.
When I’m out for a nice liquid brunch I will gladly get down to some mariachi. Bring it.
I will even drunkenly sing along in Alchospanglish. But trumpets are a bit too loud in moving boxes. Thanks but no thanks. And than there are the completely obscure musicians trying to play instruments that no one wants to hear above ground never mind trapped underground like, bag pipes. Fo real?!? No one wants to hear bag pipes unless they’re at a parade. In which case you kind of sort of still don’t want to hear bag pipes but have to because well its good theme music and it gives good reasoning to why you’re wearing a kilt and drunk at 10am. Chinatown gives way to a smorgashbord of different. Flutes, saws, baby dolphins I feel like anything down in China NYC is playable. Leave your instruments at home folks. I can count on one hand good Subway acts I’ve heard. 22 years, 5 acts. This is a losing battle.

The Really Angry Homeless Guy
Let me make this really simple any form of harassment for money equals you not getting any. Do not tauntingly call me “pretty boy” and expect a dollar.

Door douche bags.
MOOOVVVVE. Get the fuck out of my fucking way. What is a door douche bag you ask? A DDB is an individual who stands at the train car doors and does. not. move. Not for you, not for nuns, not for babies.

Which segways nicely into the pusher.

The Pusher
Someone who refuses to acknowledge that anyone on the train prior to them would want to get off before they get on. And will push/fight/bite you to ensure that they do not miss said train. The Pusher is the only offender I have gotten into a serious vocal tiff with. *Note if someone is willing to fight you to get on a train they essentially become willing to kill you when you verbally assault them. Lesson learned. Ass.

The Club System for Headphones Guy.
Where did you get those?
No really where exactly?
I’d like to burn down the factory.
If I can hear every single line, feel every bass kick, and watch you bust out the moves you will be harassing harmless girls with later. Its. Too. Much. I like my music loud too…but…I did not co sign. Its also never anything I’d like to potentially hear.

The Inexperienced Tourist
Tourists who refuse to hold on to anything and as a herd fly from one end of the train to the other. I know there is a Metro system throughout Europe albeit it may be smoother than our ancient line but there is this common knowledge that anything hurtling through space can stop at any point in time and you know ultimately throw you.
Bring some hand sanitizer and hold. On.

Funny moment: Ok I know its really fucking rude to laugh when someone trips and falls. But who are we kidding America’s Funniest Home Videos has lasted decades on the notion that other peoples pain is everyone else’s hilarious tear inducing moment. So this one rainy morning I got onto the train, everyone knows that the inside of a Subway car can be just as if not wetter than the street. Plus there is NO traction. So if you slip its going to be more epic than any slip you’ve ever had in your life. Anywho a business man gets on, rocking a full suit, ready to kill em at the board meeting, Wall Street Journal tucked and folded under arm. You know. That Guy. So dude decides to take his place in the role he was meant to star in: Door Douche Bag. Little did he know today he would feel as dirty as a douche (ew I know sorry). So the train abruptly starts moving and all of a sudden my dude is horizontal in the air perfectly parallel to the ground. It was the perfect Looney Tunes banana peel moment. I literally heard a laugh track play in my mind, though it became absolutely unnecessary as the entire train started the group lmao moment. Suit ruined. Ego crushed. Tetanus shot needed.

The Lost in Story Kindle Owner
Anyone who is so engrossed in their handheld that navigating around them becomes impossible. Aggravating enough when its a regular book. 10x worse when its a fucking Kindle. Often accompanied by the Over the Shoulder I Forgot My book/newspaper back at the office so I’m going to creep yours without shame Asshole. Yes you are an asshole. One of my biggest pet peeves EVER is people reading over my shoulder. This multiplies by infinity when the person is a New York subway stranger.
I have a personal bubble. Friends and family are free to enter in and out of this bubble as they please. This is not true for just about anyone else.

The Over Hyped Game Player
With the invention of Ipads and other handheld electronics the gaming world can travel seamlessly with you wherever you go. Cool. Great. Your World of War Craft friends never have to leave your side. But you freaking the fuck out on a train is A. Embarrassing B. Embarrassing C. Annoying and D. EMBARASSING. Though if you’re playing WWC on a train I’m sure none of the above matter to you.
I once watched a woman play the shit out of some Guitar Hero on her Ipad on the 6 train. Big black woman rocking out to “Carry on My Wayward Son” it was for the most part ridiculously entertaining. But its like, really? Is this necessary? Are you not at all concerned with where you are? Or the tourists that are taking pictures of you? No? Ok. Its cool. I mean its not entirely but I mean do you.

The Stare
That one person who for some reason has their eyes perpetually transfixed on you.
You can’t shake them.
You don’t understand why.
You systematically check everything that could be wrong with your: outfit, breathe, bag, shoes, and than you come to realize, No its not you. You simply have stepped into an eye trap. A really uncomfortable, getting less harmless by the second eye trap. *shudder* terrifying.

Now depending on the train you’re on your ride will have a very different flow to it.
Heres a brief breakdown:

A train – Your most mixed train. Packed at all hours. Music in the background is most likely Bachatta or Hip Hop. Someone in your train car is eating something. I promise.

456– In my experience the rudest train. People are too damn busy/in a rush to give a flying fuck about your person.

NQR– Most confused train. Lost tourists flock to the yellow line like honey bees to the comb. You will be asked directions. You probably won’t mind because they’re coming out of a cute foreigners mouth.

Also the Q train at night in a word Sucks. If its after midnight. Your ass is getting to you’re final destination at least 35 minutes later than you expected. This goes double for weekends. But we all know the MTA basically thinks people don’t need to go anywhere from 12am Friday until 5am Monday morning.

B – B is for Bullet. B is for Bestest. If you’re in Manhattan trying to get from Midtown to downtown in a jiff the B train is essentially a life saver. And in the summer you get to peep peoples crazy beach outfits.

123 – Lincoln Center yuppies + Columbia kids + no one that would be of any assistance to you if there was an emergency on the train. All the med school kids are on the A after all.
L train…do we even need to go there?
I get dressed up to ride the L.

Every other train…useless?
Except the 7. Hometown of Queens what what!
A very profound moment of silence if you live on the G.

So that’s my train ramble/break down. See how many of the above offenders you can locate on your next trip down under. Anyone I forgot?