We are going there.
Your on it. I’m on it. That chick at the bar you’re trying to avoid eye contact with at all costs; she’s on it. You know what I’m talking about. We’re all sippn the OkKoolAide. OkCupid what have you done to us?
So no part of me is embarrassed to be on this…social networking dating extravaganza? I’m not even sure what the hell OkCupid has become. It is quite a way to spend the night post bar. Going home alone? No worries there are thousands of people online just. like. you.
We are a generation filled with narcissists. Face it. You care. You care a whole lot. People “liking” your status on Facebook just wasn’t enough. I get it. Plus Myspace doesn’t exist anymore so the whole sending someone that you don’t know a random message can’t happen. Side bar:
FACE BOOK IS NOT A DATING WEBSITE. YOU MESSAGING SOMEONE THAT YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS WITH IN THE HOPES OF GETTING A DATE IS CREEPY.
C. R. E. E. P. Y.
…in case you never got that notification.
OkCupid is the result of our childhood dreams coming true. It is everything we ever practiced for. We started with Xanga but that shit got old quick. Then a new girl came to town; Live Journal you provided so much space for us to get out our middle school angst. We could just type it out and watch it magically appear as an internet hard copy. It was the closest many of us could get to being published. Our words were etched in internet glory, forever more. But eventually we got over our angst (starting taking zoloft) and just in time for our raging hormones Myspace came to town. Myspace was, essentially the coolest online bar ever for a good few years… Well, as long as you weren’t one of those kids who thought it was all peachy to meet strangers in back alleys in which case, RIP.
Myspace got shit right. We had music, coast to coast hotties, weird self validating groups, OTHER GAY PEOPLE, profile personalization, fights…*sigh* don’t lie, Myspace was internet heaven. But then some dude named Mark gut punched Tom and we all jumped ship to Facebook.
Now I love me some FB. Aside from the fact that all my relatives are now on it and I now know that my grandmother knows WAYYYY too much. But something about Facebook is missing. For some reason Myspace was sexual. There was absolutely nothing wrong with sending someone a message and being like: omgyouliketheusedtooyoursidebangsaresohawtletsgetmatchingtatoodandtakepicturesofeachothetholdingsignswithheartssothrworldcanseethatwereinlove.
Facebook is lacking the sexy. But thankfully OkCupid brought ze Sexy Back. Speaking of where the fuck has Justin Timberlake gone?
Really though. Justin Beiber is not a good enough replacement. Like not even close.
Anyway. Moving right along. Why are we all so obsessed with being immediately validated. Whether it be for our looks, music taste, or insanely witty profiles? Why do we need to find love online? Except wait. I’m sorry, hol up excuse me people aren’t looking for loprofiles any profiles have you read that specifically state that said individual is not looking for a relationship? Like 90% of all Okcupid profiles.
It’s like the assumption is: of course I can be on OkC, but it’s kind of a joke and I don’t expect to find love exceptI’m going to check my visitors section everyday anyway in hopes that (insert username) has totally been checking me out. If I were looking for love which I’m nooot I would do it the old fashioned way. Also don’t think that I’m here for casual sex, I’m not that girl.
So uh what the fuck are you doing?
Oh and then AND THEN theres that massive collection of people stating that they are actually super busy and probably won’t get back to your message unless you’re super worth it. O HAI I’m sorry who died and made you the dating worlds teenage dream. Your name aint Beiber bitch.
I am a firm believer in going in and going in hard (I don’t even want to hear the jokes forming in your sick sick mind) if I’m going to make a profile on yet another god damn website, I’m going to put some effort into it. What are these half ass one line profiles? Look mother fucker if you’re too cool you’re too cool but than you wouldn’t be here now would you? You are that girl at the bar, who stares people down until said person (you) start talking to her, buy her a drink and realize that she’s only really here to make you feel like you want her but can’t get her because she actually has absolutely nothing interesting to say and really only wants to get a few free drinks before she can go home feed her cat and than masturbate to her vinyl collection and Tumblr.
My favorite thing about OkCupid (besides the 5 star match search game GENIUS) is reading all of the bi girls complain about how many dudes hit them up. Because you know they actually secretly love it. O wait I lied hol up hol up my actual favorite part of OkC are the bat shit messages I’ve received. People really. REALLY REAALLLLLLLLY let their freak flags fly. Like o I’m sorry did you actually think this was a good way to get someone to respond to you? EVER? Friends. I give you the best OKC message. Ever:
*clapping.hands.with.shifty.eyes*…what if i look stupid sitting here clapping my hands for what appears to be no reason? Then what? Okay, in case you’re wondering at what point this will be relevant to you, that’s now. First things first…what part of BK you living? Seriously, it’s straight conservative where I be. Lucky you, lols. Secondly, riding a bike in NY is safe, if you have the stamina for it. Seriously, your death will come when you decided to slow down and ‘catch your breath’…lols. Just kidding. Maybe. Anyhoo, I likes adventures. I would say love but I’m a college student so, it doesn’t happen enough to change that. If you’re not turned off by randomness…say hola back. Just like that.
God its people like you who make internet dating seem so fucking weird.
Which leads us right into another post because it is Throwback Thursday after all:
It all started with a Robyn song…doesn’t it always?
It got me thinking.
We can hang out. We can chill. We can cuddlefuckpartykissmakeoutbond but we CAN NOT fall in love. How many times have you heard that one? Like actually directly: “Look I like you but this whole relationship; love shit, it aint goin down.” Which ok I get and I’m totally cool with but to a point. We’re young we should be dating and finding out what we want out of life never mind love but is there really something so terrible about just letting it happen?
Emotionally unavailable people blow. Always. In any form of relationship. I personally am a runner. I’ll own up to it. When things get too real when I could be blindsided. When a bitch could break my heart and leave me well…crying watching The Notebook and eating Papa Johns…wait. What? As I was saying – I’m gone. OUT. Haithiswasfunbutireallygottagonow. I’m working on it. I hear its called growing up. But while I am a runner I am not a heart waller. What is a heart waller you ask? A heart waller is someone who could very well be incredibly charming. They may be amazing. But their heart? Their heart is under lock and key. Try all you’d like. But sorry Charlie you are not allowed.
When our parents were our age bitches were MARRIED. Now I am by no means trying to wife anyone (unless…any takers?) but it is really interesting that the generation gap between us and our parents extends into love. Let’s face it us New Yorkers extend our youth as far as possible. Find me another city where its ok for people in their thirty’s to have roommates and no set partner. I’m by no means hating. But the speed of NYC, the pretenses of why most of us are here, it all sets us up for a super unloving way of life.
It also can not be ignored that for us gays the whole marriage thing was never an option until recently so we could kind of file it under #shitthatsnevergoingtohappen and be kiddie winks forever. But guess what homo’s? We can now. At least here in the tri state. Which means our parents can now apply the same pressure on us that they’ve been hassling our siblings with. That’s right. The Christmas is going to come, when mom is all so when are you going to stop going to that Cubby place and actually find a decent girl? Wham bam mom got real. So when are you? Hm?
I shall go back to my ever reliable source into the minds of lesbians OkCupid. My research (creeping) has left me scratching my head. OkCupid IS a dating site…implying that those on it are looking for…dates…and possibly (cover your lesbian ears) love. You’re like no way in hell am I meeting my future boo thang online. But let’s pause for a second. Is it less embarrassing to explain to mom and dad or any straight friend, that you two met plastered after drinking way too many 2 dollar margs (straight friends will understand) OR at a party with a word like, cunt, titty or finger in the title?
“I don’t know dad the dancers cleared off the stage at Truck Stop and I saw her standing there post lapdance and I was all fuck, mother of my unborn children. Right there.”
Honestly. We met online is sounding a hellofalot better. Hello? Our divorced parents would totally understand EHarmony and Match.com anyone?
But back to the question at hand. Why is love so scuurry? I actually want to know. Why? What’s the problem? Being busy sucks. Being in school and constantly being busy and working a job sucks. Being stuck in a well for 8 hours sucks. Love, love sometimes sucks too. But all of those moments seem a bit less sucky when you can pick up your phone emoticon filled and all and see: Baby I <;3 you.
Ok its not that serious. But you know…winter is coming aka lesbian wifing season. I know you want someone to knit that scarf for and watch re runs of The L Word while playing with your brand new kitten. Don't even lie. You dream of that snow day.