Who We Are

When I was in Kindergarten, when we would play house; I was always the boy. Either the husband, dad, the boyfriend, brother etc. What ever male role needed to be filled, I was glad to play it. This was met with absolutely no disdain from any of my girl friends. None of us wanted to add any “real boys” into our world. I did the job just fine. In a way this role for me has never changed. Of course I am no longer rocking white stockings and jumpers (thanks mom and dad) but in many ways I still play that masculine role. And the women in my life still don’t mind.

I suppose this admission would lead someone who did not know me very well or had never met me into assuming that I identified as Transgender. Hell who am I kidding, after meeting me most people either assume that I am or none the wiser still, assume that I’m some straight dude. But you see I am neither. Just like in the games of House I played as a little kid, I have always liked playing the role of “man” but I’ve never wanted to make it a permanent life choice. There is no part of me that has ever felt like I needed to change any part of myself medically to show who I truly am. That is absolutely not saying that those who do are wrong for it. I live a life that is much closer to that of a trans man than that of a lesbian. My respect for the trans community is strong as shit. Period. What I am getting at here is that some of us fall in an area where labels don’t do much.

I am aware that when I step out of my apartment most of the world is seeing a man. Or in my case a 13 year old boy who just had a serious growth spurt. #whatevs. I have always felt on the outskirts of my less queer more lesbian friends when we all get together. This feeling used to be that of resentment. That feeling of wanting to look like everyone else in the club. Hell that feeling of wanting to be recognized as gay. You gay femmes get mad because you get looked over for looking too straight? Well guess who else is in that club. Lesbians think I’m someones gay guy best friend at the bar, or some creepy straight guy trying to kick it to some gay chick and her girl. Sometimes I want to wear every shirt I save for PRIDE every god damn day. As I have grown up though I have grown into myself. I had to.

Nature vs. Nurture it seems will always be a constant argument. I personally think that it is a combination of both that leads to who we all ultimately turn out to be. Nature, made me six foot one. Nature gave me size 14 feet (stfu). Nature gave me a pretty flat chest and otherwise boyish body. Nurture told me from a very young age being gay was nothing different than being straight. My mom sat me down when I was about 5 and read me a fully illustrated book about how babies were made. 1. I freaked the fuck out. 2. I became gay. The end. No really. That is exactly the moment when Nina Pogensky became a big old fag. I saw that penis and was OUT…I am only partially joking here. That moment was icing on the you are a homo cake.

I didn’t have a normal coming out experience. I grew up in a dope town where the only thing that would get you ostracized was admitting to being a Republican. My coming out happened later when I started dressing more like a guy. I had always been a bit boyish, but up until my Junior year of high school I still wore skirts. Really. Short. Skirts. Laugh all you want, I dont know if you’re aware but my legs are KILLER. But than there came this point in time where I was like, this shit is not comfortable, and I’m getting attention from dudes and I so don’t want it. So I gradually started adding boys clothes into my wardrobe. And than slowly something else happened. I started feeling better about myself. I looked in the mirror before going out and it all clicked. This was how I wanted to present myself to the world. When I took my clothes off I was the same girl I had always been. I liked my female body and I liked the masculine way I dressed it up. It was a perfect harmony for me.

I am blessed to have amazing friends, and a very liberal supporting family. They took my changes, embraced them, and complimented them. The world wasn’t and still isn’t as kind. I have adopted my own way of dealing with society. It goes something like: Nina you da illest, if someone doesn’t like you because you happen to be dressed like a guy they can check themselves at the I don’t give a fuck door and move on. Seriously. If I could change every ignorant mother fuckers mind I would…but uh I’m not the ignorance doctor. There really are some battles that are not worth fighting. I love those who allow me in with all of my heart, those who chose to bring negativity and hate into my life can exit swiftly.

It is extremely easy to tell someone to develop a tough skin. It is a completely different matter for someone who has to be faced with homophobes daily to just put on a happy face and be honky dory. But seriously. I do promise anyone reading this, that you are in total control of developing a mindset that will uplift you while at the same time enable you to block out people who are too uneducated and essentially worthless for you to allow to break you in any way.

I was not always able to look in the mirror and understand who I was. I saw so many things. Some of those things I was proud of, and others I could not fucking stand. We all go through those moments. Gay, straight, trans, we all have days where we look at ourselves and think why. It is called being human. It is an equalizer. Across the board we will all judge ourselves at some point. I am my harshest critic. It is for that reason that I can not allow anyone elses harsh words to break me down.

Dan Savage’s “It Gets Better” campaign showcases a slogan that I think we all can get behind. Some days are harder than others, some days things make absolutely no sense. Some days there are a thousands questions and absolutely no answers. But than other days, it gets so much better. Life is worth living. It is not always fair or easy. But it is worth it. Finding who you are and embracing that person is the most important thing that you can do for yourself. Screw everyone else. When you find love for yourself you will be absolutely amazed by how many other people will find love for you as well. Do not ever make excuses for who you are. Play what ever role you want. And if you wake up tomorrow and you no longer want to play that role chose another one. But god damn it live. You owe that to yourself.

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#girltalk

That is all. Happy Humpday.

Actually no. I would like the space to vent for one second.

1. I would highly appreciate if the producers of Glee could get their shit together and for once back up a good episode with another good episode and than another one and another one. Because good shows are supposed to you know…get better. I don’t know what bull shit of a Christmas episode that was but it was how do you say? A piece of shit. The song selection sucked across the board. Rachel needs to get the fuck out of high school ASAP because chicks voice is rubbing me all kinds of gnarly. Shit. Was. Wack. Irish little exchange student needs to ride his Lucky Charm bus back the fuck to television Ireland, because if I have to hear one more sad ass I miss home song I am going to cry. You’re an exchange student, not a refugee #whyyousosad? Never again Glee never again. Stick to Sue, Santana, Brittany and…yeah that’s about it. No wait Coach Beast and Arty can come along to. And Mike Chang cuz boy can dance. Everyone else needs a god damn reboot. Stat.

2. I am going to kill a Salvation Army bell toiler. Excessive amounts of tourists not knowing where they’re going set to the soundtrack of a relentlessly chiming bell…I am going to lose my ever loving mind. ALSO take note. For real for real. DO NOT GIVE MONEY TO THE SALVATION ARMY. They are anti- gay. Aka the spawn of Satan. Ya dig? “This “non-profit” religious organization is anti-gay and actively lobbies against pro-gay legislation in the US and abroad. The money you put in that red kettle is going to anti-gay evangelical Christian lobbyists. They believe that since they’re a “church” they have the right to not hire gay people because they are sinners. Salvation Army reserves the right to discriminate in hiring, promoting, and firing gay people, and in the benefits they provide their employees. And they come right out and admit that “practicing homosexuals” are not welcome in the “church.” ” [americablog.com

3. I have written this entire post while on the phone with customer service. It’s 2011. Fix. Yo. Shit.

Whew. Sometimes. You just gotta let it go. It’s gone. We have lift off. Peace, love and Skittles.

Lesbian Reality

Becoming a Celezbian has never looked like a more promising life choice. We all were lied to.
If you go to school and do your best you will get a job and be happy and blaahhh blaaahhhh BLLLAAAHHHH. For gods sake when I was a kid I wanted to be some form of Astronaut lawyer marine biologist…(don’t even begin to ask). Why did no one stop me right there and go look kid the economy isn’t lookin too fresh. Forget astrolawology school. Become an accountant or investment banker and retire young. Raise your hand if you are exactly where you want to be. For those of you who just raised their hands.
Fuck. You.
I’m kidding. I’m totalllly happy that all of your dreams came true.

For the rest of us seriously. Let’s all go be celebrities. Really. Honestly. There is no reason we all shouldn’t be. People are on t.v. for fucking coupon clipping for gods sake.
Pause. HAVE YOU FUCKING seen that shit? I personally have always kind of sucked at math. But I have a grasp on it. You know basics. Yet somehow Extreme Couponing ALWAYS leaves me confused. I have watched as people walk through check out lines 3 carts deep of groceries. Bust out a Trapper Keeper of coupons and POOF all groceries are free. FREE. I don’t even understand. That shit cray. 

So we have coupon queens. Toddlers screaming in gowns that cost more than a year of my rent. Bitchy gay men. Gypsy weddings. SISTER WIVES. I would like to have a moment of silence for the fucked up shit TLC has brought crashing into my life. And got me hooked on. Fuckers. Like what you ask? :

Anyway if all of these people have t.v. time.  If Snookie has had a motherfucking best seller…

(I don’t even understand what kind of tricks God is playing) we all need to start banking too. I’m fairly talented. I mean I can’t get free groceries or catch a catfish with my forearm. If you have not seen Catfish Noodling you are missing the fuck out on a window into …I don’t even know what. Let’s just say the North and South are verrrry different ya’all. 

Chalk that up as shit you will NEVER catch me doing.

So like Willy Wonka where’s my Golden Ticket.

I am legitimately 95% serious about this being my 5 year life plan. Honestly I think the only place hiring is television.
Things I’d totally be down for:

1. The Amazing Race – Duh shit would be awesome. You’d get an amazing workout. You would see the world. You are basically being paid to travel hardcore and fuck people over. Really? Getting paid to be an asshole? Being a lifetime New Yorker has catapulted me into becoming the most engaging yet biggest douche bag ever in that category.

2. The Real Word – So uh someone pays my rent for what 4 months and gives me a job? AND afterwards I get to compete on Challenges for the rest of my life? And charge upwards of 25 grand for club appearances? Sign. Me. The. Fuck. Up.

3. Wheel of Fortune – Ok its a game show but it is a game show that essentially takes nothing more than arm strength and 5 year old feel in the blank knowledge. I will absolutely take home 100 grand for solving the worlds stupidest puzzle. Let us not leave out The Price Is Right. Uhm. Really? All I have to do I make an educated guess? It doesn’t even have to be spot on? I uh think I can swing that.

4. Bad Girls Club – Ok so my very crooked dignity line does fail to allow this to even be an option. But. Let us for a second imagine me on it. You’re welcome for that chuckle.

5. ANTM – Me + Tyra
I have been waiting my whole life to hear Tyra Banks confuse my gender and sexuality all the while telling me to smilize. The conversations to be had dahhling. The fact that this woman was given a talk show after seasons of pure cray cray on ANTM is beyond me. But let’s all be really real. The Tyra Banks Show is tv gold. Whilst looking for a Tyra montage I found this instead. All the more proof anyone can be on t.v. 

6. Every totally dysfunctional dating show ever. I don’t know what VH1’s booze budget is. But every house is STOCKED with alcohol. I would drink my way through each episode. Make a boo. Go on some “we are so in love tours” inevitably break up and than I’d go to college campuses across the country as a motivational speaker.

So I am kind of joking. Except I’m not really joking at all.
One day you will DVR me.
I sincerely promise to entertain.

Remember my Victoria’s Secret Reality t.v. show idea…I take it back:

…now we know why the Victoria’s secret catalog doesn’t come with a sound option.

It Needs to Get Better

Bullying does not discriminate. We all can remember how horrible elementary and middle school were. How absolutely horrible our peers could be. Bully’s don’t exactly go away, they just grow up and take roles in society that allow them to keep format with their asshole personalities. As adults we can take the pressure. But remember how hopeless we felt as kids. How one person’s loud mouth can turn an entire school against you; and for eight hours out of everyday you are subject to remarks that many adults could not handle.

How can we make it so the word gay is not used as a gun. So that it is not fired out of the mouths of inconsiderate youth? There are more gay characters on t.v. than ever before, gay visibility is at an all time high. Prejudice is not caught like a cold. It is taught. Younger generations will never stand a chance at squashing out intolerance if older generations do not realize that their beliefs on race and the LGBT community are not only outdated but wrong. Wrong not even being a justifiable word.

Kids will not always be nice. That is undeniable. But there is a stark difference between locker room banter and all out hate. The internet has made growing up harder than ever. Rumors could spread fast enough without the aid of text messages. Word of mouth has always been quick. But word of mouth can only reach so many, when Twitter and Facebook get behind that train. It is essentially over. One voice can not stand out against an entire school. One voice can not compete with dozens of bullies posting and reposting online words of hate and violence. For the child being bullied there is no escape.

Cutting in the 1st grade? At an age where most of us were playing house and thinking we could fly this kid was inflicting himself with the pain he was being hit with on a daily basis. The only thing that comes to my mind is WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE ADULTS? His parents are absolutely not to blame for the fact that their son was being tormented, but anyone cutting at such a young age needs to be helped. If my child was being terrorized to the point that they saw no other choice but to harm themselves I would be on the phone to every form of administration possible.

Sex Education isn’t usually taught until high school and I won’t argue whether that is too late or too early but children should be shown lifestyle models other than the hetero norm. Not just taught of a mommy and a daddy, but of a daddy and a daddy, of two mothers. Gay families are not going away. And with the legislation constantly being passed in our favor of achieving rights that we should NEVER have been denied WE simply can not be ignored. It took this country more than a century to give black people the rights we deserved, and still today racism is prevalent. I do not expect to wake up tomorrow and suddenly have the entire country completely ok with who I am. Personally I don’t give a fuck if someone isn’t ok with who I choose to sleep with or how I choose to dress. But this way of thinking has taken years. This hold on my gender and sexuality has taken the support of others, and constant education. I did not have the same hold on my person when I was 14. None of us did. Growing up children need support. We all come different. There is no ideal or perfect make or model. We all deserve a fair shot at growing up, a fair shot at life. To be denied that right is not only disturbing and unsettling but it is disgusting. It is disgusting to me that someone has to wake up every morning and dread their day. That they have to constantly watch their back. That they have to constantly hear snickers; words of hate.

In every recent case of gay suicide, everyone knew that the individual was having a hard time. What the fuck happened to school counselors? What happened to teachers and administration stepping in? How many kids have to kill themselves before someone takes notice? And by notice I don’t just mean stories on the news and a few candle light vigils and Facebook tribute pages. I mean actual changes in curriculum. Changes that show gay life next to straight life, integrated with straight life. Can we throw out those words now? Straight. Gay.

I am a person. You are a person. Who we sleep with does not make us better or worse. Who we are, what we do, our talents and capabilities THAT is what we should all be based on. Forget judgement. No one can ever truly know what someone else has ever gone through and why it has shaped them into the person they have become. Right now though? Right now we are cutting kids off before they can even become anything. They are ending their lives before they ever even got a chance.

A generation needs to wake the fuck up and for the most part it isn’t ours.

Baby Its Cold Outside

I hate buying presents. Thats not entirely true.  I like random gift giving. I highly dislike the pressure associated with “having” to buy presents during the holiday season. This time of year “What to Get” lists pop up everywhere. Well fuck those lists. Here’s mine:

Yeah that’s right. A sleeping bag you can walk around in. It gets cold here in NYC. Plus imagine leaving the bar at 3am and knowing your Subway ride will be extra comfy cozy?

Well. Now we know what they show kids in other countries when they learn about “Modern day America”.  

I mean hey can you blame us? Blankets really are the spawn of the devil.

Hey Zach Morris. We gots rich. This is what happens when hipsters make old things ironic and than rappers make those ironic things LUDACRIS I mean ludicrous.

Everything about this is correct. EVERYTHING.

Remember in middle school when people thought it was appropriate to wear pajama pants? Like when it was cool? Like to the extent you would fight with your parents about not being allowed to go out of the house looking like you had just rolled out of bed “duh I didn’t sleep in these”. Well I’m glad someone got their thinking hats on…you must…be…fucking…kidding me.

Where were these in high school? 

Everyone has that douche bag friend who likes to randomly stage Ninja fights on street corners with angry New Yorkers in the rain…look don’t judge me. Its only happened once. The officers were totally understanding.

You never know when you’re gonna need to bust out the creepy.

So this bra is 10 Million Dollars.

…all I want to know is does she come too?