Becoming a Celezbian has never looked like a more promising life choice. We all were lied to.
If you go to school and do your best you will get a job and be happy and blaahhh blaaahhhh BLLLAAAHHHH. For gods sake when I was a kid I wanted to be some form of Astronaut lawyer marine biologist…(don’t even begin to ask). Why did no one stop me right there and go look kid the economy isn’t lookin too fresh. Forget astrolawology school. Become an accountant or investment banker and retire young. Raise your hand if you are exactly where you want to be. For those of you who just raised their hands.
I’m kidding. I’m totalllly happy that all of your dreams came true.
For the rest of us seriously. Let’s all go be celebrities. Really. Honestly. There is no reason we all shouldn’t be. People are on t.v. for fucking coupon clipping for gods sake.
Pause. HAVE YOU FUCKING seen that shit? I personally have always kind of sucked at math. But I have a grasp on it. You know basics. Yet somehow Extreme Couponing ALWAYS leaves me confused. I have watched as people walk through check out lines 3 carts deep of groceries. Bust out a Trapper Keeper of coupons and POOF all groceries are free. FREE. I don’t even understand. That shit cray.
So we have coupon queens. Toddlers screaming in gowns that cost more than a year of my rent. Bitchy gay men. Gypsy weddings. SISTER WIVES. I would like to have a moment of silence for the fucked up shit TLC has brought crashing into my life. And got me hooked on. Fuckers. Like what you ask? :
Anyway if all of these people have t.v. time. If Snookie has had a motherfucking best seller…
(I don’t even understand what kind of tricks God is playing) we all need to start banking too. I’m fairly talented. I mean I can’t get free groceries or catch a catfish with my forearm. If you have not seen Catfish Noodling you are missing the fuck out on a window into …I don’t even know what. Let’s just say the North and South are verrrry different ya’all.
So like Willy Wonka where’s my Golden Ticket.
I am legitimately 95% serious about this being my 5 year life plan. Honestly I think the only place hiring is television.
Things I’d totally be down for:
1. The Amazing Race – Duh shit would be awesome. You’d get an amazing workout. You would see the world. You are basically being paid to travel hardcore and fuck people over. Really? Getting paid to be an asshole? Being a lifetime New Yorker has catapulted me into becoming the most engaging yet biggest douche bag ever in that category.
2. The Real Word – So uh someone pays my rent for what 4 months and gives me a job? AND afterwards I get to compete on Challenges for the rest of my life? And charge upwards of 25 grand for club appearances? Sign. Me. The. Fuck. Up.
3. Wheel of Fortune – Ok its a game show but it is a game show that essentially takes nothing more than arm strength and 5 year old feel in the blank knowledge. I will absolutely take home 100 grand for solving the worlds stupidest puzzle. Let us not leave out The Price Is Right. Uhm. Really? All I have to do I make an educated guess? It doesn’t even have to be spot on? I uh think I can swing that.
4. Bad Girls Club – Ok so my very crooked dignity line does fail to allow this to even be an option. But. Let us for a second imagine me on it. You’re welcome for that chuckle.
5. ANTM – Me + Tyra
I have been waiting my whole life to hear Tyra Banks confuse my gender and sexuality all the while telling me to smilize. The conversations to be had dahhling. The fact that this woman was given a talk show after seasons of pure cray cray on ANTM is beyond me. But let’s all be really real. The Tyra Banks Show is tv gold. Whilst looking for a Tyra montage I found this instead. All the more proof anyone can be on t.v.
6. Every totally dysfunctional dating show ever. I don’t know what VH1’s booze budget is. But every house is STOCKED with alcohol. I would drink my way through each episode. Make a boo. Go on some “we are so in love tours” inevitably break up and than I’d go to college campuses across the country as a motivational speaker.
So I am kind of joking. Except I’m not really joking at all.
One day you will DVR me.
I sincerely promise to entertain.
Remember my Victoria’s Secret Reality t.v. show idea…I take it back:
…now we know why the Victoria’s secret catalog doesn’t come with a sound option.