Douche Bags R Us

Time to do some gay ass kicking. We all are superhero’ after all. This is a Facebook conversation that rapper Gable IV James.  Had with one of my gay friends after he “liked” one of his posts:

Do the right thing and report his ass on Facebook. Also feel free to send him a message calling him out for this ridiculous line of thinking. The whole I have gay friends but I don’t want anyone to think that I may actually be gay so I’m going to be an asshole defense. Get the fuck out of here. We are not second class citizens. And you sir, are going down.

This is the link to his Facebook. God Speed homo’s:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=636436424

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Mcgangbang

So for reasons unbeknownst to me I often wake up craving meat. Yes. Like a caveman. So today whilst also rocking out to some dubstep (appropriate meat music) I decided to take a tour of the utterly ridiculous burgers that we as good ol’ Americans have come up with. Lets count how many times you say “dat shit cray” shall we? Unbutton and unzip those jeans thats what she said,  Lets do this:

Lets start with breakfast shall we…I’ve always wanted some beef between my Eggo’s. Oh and what is that crunch inside my patty? Captn Crunch bitch.

Eggo’s not your go to breakfast? How about doughnuts? Leave it to Her Fat Majesty, Paula Deen to give us a burger that is named to clearly decieve her breakfast guests into thinking they are getting something divine, clean, and proper. The Ladies Brunch Burger.  Oh you sneaky fat devil you. Please take a seat and watch as Paula has an on camera orgasm. #disbitch 

Moving steadily along: I’m one of those people who gets way waaayyyy too excited at bbq’s. While I sit drooling for my burger to be ready I fill up on hot dogs and than by the time my burger is actually grilled to perfection I’m totally full of dog meat (hot dog meat that is which well who are we kidding could very well be dog) THANKGOD someone fixed this problem for bisexual hot dog and burger lovers such as myself.

Lets cross overseas for a second. To a 5 star burger establishment? Psh please. Look what McDonalds is serving over in Japan:

Grand Canyon Burger — Beef patty with “steak filling,” cooked egg, cheddar and mozzarella cheese, crispy onions, steak sauce (with soy and “smoked” flavors) and an extra middle bun

mcdonalds japan burger

Las Vegas Burger — Beefy patty, spicy sauteed sliced beef and onions with lettuce and cream cheese sauce. Uhm gross.

mcdonalds japan burger

Image: McDonald’s Japan

Broadway Burger — Beef patty, pastrami bacon, veggies (that they claim are fresh but like…yeh right), topped off with a lovely combo of mustard sauce and cream cheese sauce. What is with this cream cheese theme? I always kind of gag when I see the cream cheese options on sushi at Japanese restaurants. I will keep my cream cheese on my bagels thanks. Also the words cream cheese and sauce should absolutely never meet. Ever.

mcdonalds japan burger

Beverly Hills Burger — Beef patty, cooked egg, lettuce, onions, avocado sauce and caesar salad sauce. This could be ok except for the avocado + egg + ceasar thing. #nothanks

mcdonalds japan burger

Source cred: http://articles.businessinsider.com/2012-01-03/strategy/30583241_1_burgers-sauce-beef-patty

Now back here in America we like to take our McDonald’s and stay classy. And by classy I mean heart attack worthy, obvi. I give you: The Mcgangbang.

Two cheeseburgers. One McChicken. A whole lotta weed. And some creativity. And Bam. Magic.

Oh I see your gangbang (what?) and raise you a Bypass. I went right to the menu of The Vortex Bar and grill so they could explain this monster themselves: “Made with two half-pound Vortex sirloin patties stacked inside three grilled cheese sandwiches, topped with two fried eggs, eight slices of American cheese, ten slices of bacon and plenty of mayo on the side. With this burger we choose your side for you, and it’s a big bowl of fries and tots covered in our cheesy-cheese goo. This super-stack is a heart attack waiting to happen. Enjoy!”

…uh what? I can’t. I had more burgers to share but I think, yes. This is over.

                            In other news, are you ready for the Super Bowl? 

Gay Lisssssp

Ok so I have a little problem, no not necessarily a problem a tiny issue mayhaps? It’s a question of sorts Gay men, were you born with that voice or did you…gayquire it?

You know what I’m talking about that …gaylisphighpitchedsquel thing. Lesbians don’t have a voice. Yes we have some questionable clothing choices. Buh we aint got no twang (except for those still trying to do the half asleep, raspy, bored, Shane vernacular…come here a little closer right over here CUT THAT SHIT OUT RIGHT NOW)

So what gives boys? I know that not all gay men gayspeak but majority rules here. I’m deducing gayspeak to be a condition of nurture. One similar to a sorority house. 30 girls live together, wearing Love Spell and every piece of everything Victoria Secret has to offer. They can’t help but speak like everyone else, because God forbid you did anything to not fit in. No not you Becky number 3. So just like Becky, Charlie came out and he quickly realized his voice needed to raise a few octaves and that maybe he should start being able to name drop Barbara Streisand movies and acquire a love for show tunes: taaadaa Gay. And maybe he needed to shorten his name…”call me Char dar.”But really though, I could interchangeably talk to all of my gay (queen) male friends blindfolded and probably only be able to pick out 3 of them. Where’s the gayviduality?

Lesbians and gender queers don’t think you’re off the hook. I’m looking at you sleeveless t wearing, half head shaven, summer leather jacket rocking, American Eagle brief wearing, snapback always on, carabeaner holds my house keys some of which I bought at the key place just to look more legit, mother fuckers.

Who knew that a bunch of what society all thought would be sorority girls, went to a liberal arts college, studied gender and came out looking like little boi’s …kids these days. Not to mention the baby dykes who dress like gay boys yet sound like straight girls.

Our parents must be so confused.

But really though, about that lisp…

Get Busy Living…or at Least Start Doing Shit That May Ultimately Kill You

So how ya doin last January ever? Its 2012 did you forget? The end is a comin.I mean the fact that it snowed this weekend yet will be 50 degrees the next two days has to mean something right? All of my New Years Resolutions flopped horribly (I will never go vegan again sorry lesbian gods) so I have two goals for this year. 1. Get paid to blog (it.will.happen) 2. Live. You’re like well duh Nina you’ve been living for the past 22 years. No I’ve been breathing for the past 22 years. What I would like to get busy doing is a whole lot of living. You should probably join me. Here are a list of the things on my LIVING LIST. RSVP to my fun. My fun can be broken down quite easily Music. Food. Gay.If the three can somehow be combined well trifecta of AWESOME.

Music Music Music. I want to festival and concert it THE FUCK UP. The lineups this year are looking crazy awesome. Keeping it local with a festival that has never disappointed this kid :     The Bamboozle this year is offering up so fucking freshness. http://2012.thebamboozle.com/ Yeah buddy where else can you see Skrillex and Bon Jovie? Jersey dreams can come true. So than of course there is South by Southwest and Coachella. Which have crazy rad lineups. But two things 1. Shit is hella expensive. 2. I don’t do camping + festivals. Now hear me out I love camping. I love music. But three days of moshing and going nuts in the pit and returning to my tent? Uh no thank you. That is another level of grime that I have not become ok with yet. Wait hold on. Pause.      Have you listened to this bitch yet? 

#yourwelcome

Heres a list of a bunch of festivals and awesome concerts coming up this year: http://seatgeek.com/blog/concerts/summer-concerts

Food. Now if we want to talk about true love, food is my boo. Food is my Juliet. I love food the way Mariah Carey loves to break wine glasses at dinner parties…you know with her voice…skillz? Anyway I live in the city of munchies. And there are some crazy awesome events that go down throughout the year to feed the fuck out of me:

Now this is amazing. And gluttonous. And the Jew inside of me is all “DONT DO IT” buh uh drum roll pleasssseeeeee: http://www.beerandbourbon.com/new-york/show-info  #thisisreal

I wait for one event all year long (ok besides PRIDE). This festival makes me love New York like no other. Ughhh my mouth is watering just thinking about it. Psh how did I ever think I could be a vegetarian. I give you the bestest: http://www.bigapplebbq.org/ I kid you not this shit is epic. If you love BBQ and beer there really is no doubting that you need to attend this.

So I had no idea this festival took place until today, and I am now amped to go to Buffalo…yes that Buffalo. Hear me out this shit is the largest 2 day food festival in the US: http://www.tasteofbuffalo.com/ Sounds fucking peachy to me. Road trip anyone?

ESSENTIAL FOR ALL NEW YORKERS ITS RESTAURANT WEEK BITCHES AS IN RIGHT NOW: http://www.nycgo.com/restaurantweek/

I have also seriously been fiending for some very specific delicacies. They would be:

1. The Garbage plate: 

2. A few doggies from Ruts Hut JERSEY REPRESENT: 

3. My favorite bitch. The best bitch. The FAT Bitch: 

4. Don’t judge me buh uh: 

5. A slice of heaven Roc city: 

Remember that time I tried to be a vegetarian? If anyone feels like going on a little greasy food tour lemme know. We don’t have to tell anyone about it. I promise. Your grease secret is safe with me.

GAY. Hurray for the Gay! If you’re gay and you know it clap your hands. If you’re gayyyy and you know it and you really wanna show it by getting wasted beyond belief and waking up in some girls bed covered in Sharpie and glitter with a Coors Light between your legs CLAP YOUR HANDS! Are you ready? Lez. Go:

There is one event that takes a big ol poo on all other lesbian events that event is Dinah Shore. http://www.dinahshoreweekend.com/ If you ever wanted to live out The L Word this is as close as you are going to get.

For us on the east coast, who are all college age and just want to get reckless on the cheap and cheap there is the monumental event known as P-Town. Make sure you have a designated buddy. Get your girls together and make team shirts. No you won’t be playing anything, you just want all the girls at the bar to know you came with the best crew. O and be ready to untag the shit out of your weekend.  http://www.ptown.org/Home.asp

This is a list of every PRIDE in the world. You can get laid. In. Every. Country. I mean, show your Pride. Duh. http://www.nighttours.com/gaypride/

Now beyond food, music, and being the best gay possible. I would also like to go skydiving. Get out of the country. Finish both of my tattoo sleeves. Learn more than 5 words of Spanish. And fall in love…with music, food and being gay of course. Obvi. Oh one last thing I would also like to stop behaving like such a token Queer you know like this: 

Canvas. This.

I want to walk down the street. In peace. But Nina you live in New York, that’s next to impossible. You know what? It would be totally and entirely possible if it wasn’t for one thing. What is that one thing you ask? Canvassers. I am about. To lose. My fucking mind. Poor college kids asking other poor college kids for money? This is a joke right? As if I have a spare _____ dollars to give to anyone monthly. Who da fuck? I honestly believe that some sort of law should be passed making it illegal for companies to assault individuals under the age of 25. There is nothing casual about a canvassers approach. They hunt you down. They follow you. BITCH I HAVE PLACES TO GO. Like work. To get a pay check, to pay for living in this ridiculously overpriced city. Rich people give to charities, the rest of us volunteer. Get. Out. Of. My. Face.

Guess I’m Going to Hell

I will make this very simple. If there is a God, and that God made me. If that God gave me will; will to love. Than that God will see my love for another woman to mean just as much as if I had been born straight and loved a man. That God will not punish me for pursuing healthy, happy and loving relationships. My government and the religious right seem to be the only things lagging. They are using God and religion as a crutch. I had no idea that love could cause fear. That my love for someone could generate hate. That it made me a second class citizen. I shouldn’t be shocked. This is a country after all who made blacks second to dogs. God forbid you are not born a white member of the upper class. Someone who swears by the bible and still not so candidly denounces blacks and other minorities. There are times when I am surrounded by like minded accepting people and I think “Fuck, we’ve made it.”  And than I turn on the news and hear about another teen suicide. Or I walk into a bar and get snickers for holding the hand of a white girl. America the Great indeed.

So let me ask you this: Are you angry? Do you get it? Do you understand that there is a serious force sweeping this country trying to make it so gays are worse than criminals? Last time I checked a felon has the right to marriage. I have committed absolutely no crimes. I have done nothing but followed whomever my heart has lead me to. For that, for that I have to worry that one day my spouse and I won’t be able to adopt? For that I have to live in fear that some kid turns on the news and sees an asshole like Santorum tell him that he is going to hell? And than decides that his life isn’t worth living? If my partner is in a coma one day I won’t have any say of what to do next? Because what? I don’t have a dick? Fuck that. FUCK YOU REPUBLICAN PARTY. FUCK YOU RELIGIOUS RIGHT. FUCK YOU . FUCK YOU. FUCK. YOU.

You know what if all of these “truth bearers” are the ones that are getting into heaven I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. You live one life. And I will live this life loving. I will not spread messages of hate. And if that life process lands me in hell.

Well. Hell is where its at.

Titty Bombs and The Golden Rule

Queergrub is by no means a blog about politics. But as an individual of the Queer community I feel as though I have an obligation to share the opinions and views of those out to cast us as not worthy. Or as Michele Bachmann has nicely labeled us “barbarians”.

I highly implore everyone to get involved this election. I am personally looking into all that I can do to organize as many loud LGBT and allies to show these candidates that we are people. That in a time where teenage bullying has reached the absolute breaking point, where kids are taking their own lives, that those in places of visibility and power must be held accountable for their bigotry. If anyone was calling out the Catholic church Santorum would lose his shit. As he repeatedly has when he claims that he is being persecuted for his core belief system. Well Mr. Santorum I have a core value system as well, and I actually think that it is written somewhere in that book you hold so dear. You know, the Bible. It goes something like: “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” I guess gay people don’t fit into that little diddy eh? A royal fuck you to everyone running on the GOP platform. One that can not be brushed away as a protection of morales. No. These people are spreading not only hate but lies. Guess what? Gay people can vote. We haven’t been denied of that right just yet. Though it seems highly likely that if any of these people are made president that well that day may someday come. In the words of Kanye and Jay – Z: “That shit cray.”

I will not stand down. I will not allow these people to speak out of their asses. I will not fathom the idea that my civil rights may be in serious jeopardy because of the soul fact that I choose to sleep  with and love women. My adoptive family are Jews. I am black. My ancestors have fucking been through enough. If this is my time for battle, you better believe that I am armed and ready. The generations behind us must grow up in a world where being gay means nothing. In a world where politicians don’t spit on us. In a world where Santorum is only known to mean: “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”

And in a world where proud gender queers such as this kid get tattoo’s like this: