So for reasons unbeknownst to me I often wake up craving meat. Yes. Like a caveman. So today whilst also rocking out to some dubstep (appropriate meat music) I decided to take a tour of the utterly ridiculous burgers that we as good ol’ Americans have come up with. Lets count how many times you say “dat shit cray” shall we? Unbutton and unzip those jeans
thats what she said, Lets do this:
Lets start with breakfast shall we…I’ve always wanted some beef between my Eggo’s. Oh and what is that crunch inside my patty? Captn Crunch bitch.
Eggo’s not your go to breakfast? How about doughnuts? Leave it to Her Fat Majesty, Paula Deen to give us a burger that is named to clearly decieve her breakfast guests into thinking they are getting something divine, clean, and proper. The Ladies Brunch Burger. Oh you sneaky fat devil you. Please take a seat and watch as Paula has an on camera orgasm. #disbitch
Moving steadily along: I’m one of those people who gets way waaayyyy too excited at bbq’s. While I sit drooling for my burger to be ready I fill up on hot dogs and than by the time my burger is actually grilled to perfection I’m totally full of dog meat (hot dog meat that is which well who are we kidding could very well be dog) THANKGOD someone fixed this problem for bisexual hot dog and burger lovers such as myself.
Lets cross overseas for a second. To a 5 star burger establishment? Psh please. Look what McDonalds is serving over in Japan:
Grand Canyon Burger — Beef patty with “steak filling,” cooked egg, cheddar and mozzarella cheese, crispy onions, steak sauce (with soy and “smoked” flavors) and an extra middle bun
Las Vegas Burger — Beefy patty, spicy sauteed sliced beef and onions with lettuce and cream cheese sauce. Uhm gross.
Image: McDonald’s Japan
Broadway Burger — Beef patty, pastrami bacon, veggies (that they claim are fresh but like…yeh right), topped off with a lovely combo of mustard sauce and cream cheese sauce. What is with this cream cheese theme? I always kind of gag when I see the cream cheese options on sushi at Japanese restaurants. I will keep my cream cheese on my bagels thanks. Also the words cream cheese and sauce should absolutely never meet. Ever.
Beverly Hills Burger — Beef patty, cooked egg, lettuce, onions, avocado sauce and caesar salad sauce. This could be ok except for the avocado + egg + ceasar thing. #nothanks
Two cheeseburgers. One McChicken. A whole lotta weed. And some creativity. And Bam. Magic.
Oh I see your gangbang (what?) and raise you a Bypass. I went right to the menu of The Vortex Bar and grill so they could explain this monster themselves: “Made with two half-pound Vortex sirloin patties stacked inside three grilled cheese sandwiches, topped with two fried eggs, eight slices of American cheese, ten slices of bacon and plenty of mayo on the side. With this burger we choose your side for you, and it’s a big bowl of fries and tots covered in our cheesy-cheese goo. This super-stack is a heart attack waiting to happen. Enjoy!”
…uh what? I can’t. I had more burgers to share but I think, yes. This is over.