Rules of the Lesbian

1. If you show up at a party with a girl that you are fucking and spent all day with/the past 3 nights with, you are lesbian contracted to hang out with her all night. No exceptions… Unless she leaves before you do.

2. After a break up the bars you took her to are yours. The bars she introduced you to are hers. A bar that you both used to frequent is given to the person who at any given time will have more friends there.

3. There is no such argument as “but… that’s my ex”.

4. No reusing of toys. Don’t be cheap. Or that guy.

5. This isn’t spring break. Don’t make out with someone in front of me. I’m not a frat boy. Shit. Isn’t. Cute.

6. You can say you won’t date a friends ex, but you probably will. Actually you definitely will.

7. Lesbian dating is like high school. All of her friends are by default no longer your friends after you break up. But there is the small chance that you will start dating one of them…Figure that one out.

8. Look up the definition of hooking up and dating and KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. Ie; have a little talk with yourself about your womanly needs to wife someone. Accept them. And figure yo shit out.

9. Cats can live upwards of 20 years. How long did your last relationship last exactly?

10. If you’re in a relationship the things you and your boo do are only for you and your boo to do aka if you watch Gray’s Anatomy every Sat DO NOT go watch Gray’s with some girl randomly on your night off. That’s show cheating. (Its crazy) Your girlfriend will be all kinds of mad.

11. If you are drunk and single you can make out with as many people as you want and no one will really say that much. Make one of those people your ex and tomorrow you shall be nothing but a whore.

12. Thou shall take Uhaul’s number out of their speedial. Just in case the urge takes over. Wait it out. Wait. It. Out.

13. If you hate your friends new girlfriend you are obligated to say something. Thus saving your friend months of dysfunction that at the end of you will be left to put back together. This is both selfish and good friendish.

14. There shall be an official returning of “stuff” after breaking up. More like there should be. #thisshitgetstesty

15. Dyke who brags the loudest fucks the badest.

16. If a girl tells you she’s Queer you’re totally DTF but if she says she’s Bi you’re down and out. What’s up wit dat?

17. You have to be a vegetarian at least once in your life.

18. “Bro’s” shall not share “Ho’s”. You’re gay and you’re friends. This will get messy.

19. OkCupid lies. But. You will still continuously use it, make fun of it, disable it.

20. Whatever a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the champagne room.


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