Rumor Has It…

That Adele is preggo my Eggo!

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Well it’s not a rumor bc she announced herself:

“I’m delighted to announce that Simon and I are expecting our first child together,” Adele wrote in a blog post titled “I’ve Got Some News” on her website. “I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we’re over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time. Yours always, Adele xx”

D’aw. Though she is only what 22? And smokes like a chimney. And dare I say songs about babies are not nearly as anthem like as ones about shitty exs.

And AND ANNNNDDD:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are calling it quits! (what the hell took so long)

No really Katie.

What.

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Took.

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So.

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LONG?!?

Girl. Never again.

Shackles and Bacon

Every once in awhile in the fashion world, someone creates something and it turns everyone on Earth’s head. Like seriously. It’s like the heads of the world have an eclipse. Adidas is currently responsible for this weeks total eclipse of the head.

If you have yet to hear the shot heard round the world. Adidas is set to release a pair of high tops with plastic chains on the top… Like you know the kind prisoners still wear… or you know the kinds black people wore in this country less than a few hundred years ago. Yeah those shackles. So everyone is all up in arms about how this clearly has racist undertones, and that the minds behind all things at the Adidas ranch are huge racists that would dine with both Hitler and Robert E. Lee if they had the chance. (at least that’s what the internet is making of them and we all know the internet never ever lies)

Now this was probably not a good idea. Slavery isn’t exactly old news in this country. Jim Crow wasn’t that long ago. States in the south still fly Confederate flags (you lost get over it already). So shackles on shoes aren’t going to be seen as some huge fashion statement, or a giant leap forward. Shackles will seem as they always have seemed and always will seem BECAUSE THEY ARE means to hold people back.

But…people do wear some absolutely crazy things. The crazier, the more fashion forward it often seems. I do believe that anyone has the right to design and wear whatever their little heart so desires. Slaves were not the only ones who were shackled, prisoners today still wear them, and if you would like to paint the picture to strangers on the street that you are in some way “chained” to something by all means go right ahead.

What I think of when I see these shoes and hear people revolting against Adidas all that comes to mind is…but…you spend hundreds of dollars on shoes every fucking month. I’m speaking of almost everyone I have ever met that has lived in the hood or is part of the hip hop community. They are obsessed with “kicks”. To the extent of camping outside of Foot Locker upon the release of a new pair of Jordan’s. A lot of the time these individuals are from low income households.

Think of it like this: Corporations like Adidas and Nike, have sweat shops in the bum fuck middle of the world where people are paid next to nothing to make shoes that cost next to nothing to produce. The shoes are then shipped here where they are marked up to some ridiculous price and are then purchased by poor people. Poor people make shoes for other poor people so that sportswear giants can make a shit ton of money.

Looks like you’re already wearing shackles.

I think the real people we should all be screaming at are the folks at BK. Because they have made their mission very clear. To give us all diabetes by 2020.

Insufficient Fare

I have a question, it’s short and to the point. I believe that it may also be somewhat redundant and mainly rhetorical, but maybe someone can offer some wisdom or most importantly I can vent.

Ahem:
Why does everyone, who works for the MTA seem to be a mega fucking prick?

Is there something that goes along with working for an agency with three letters that turns you into a monumental butt face? (I’m looking at you 34th street DMV employees) People ask stupid questions. I mean hell I asked one of my best friends for a tampon and she responded with “wait you still get your period?”

People just don’t always have their thinking lights on.

But I digress. Look tourists annoy me too. People act like American escalators are different from the rest of the worlds. For reasons unbeknownst to me, New York City seems to cripple peoples common sense. I would probably want to slap a dingo eating baby too if I had to deal with people asking me constantly where the G train runs in Manhattan. But like…you’re getting paid. Which is more then a lot of people now a days can say.

I’m just not getting it.

I’m also going to need to know why the MTA feels as though no one has anyone where to go after 12am or on the weekends…le sigh at least it’s not The T.

Also, how sad does every inch of you feel when you see this:

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It’s like being rejected by the bouncer of the subway club.

Things That Don’t Exist

You know how sometimes when you’re with a group of friends, someone makes a statement about something being fact or fiction and suddenly a rally goees down? You know those little arguements with your friends where someone SWEARS that they’re right and everyone else is like nah sorry, pump those breaks cuz you’re wronger than wrong? People pick sides, mimosas are spilled at brunch, ex lax is put into beers left on counters, people are left out of plans, ex girlfreinds are slept with…ok maybe not that far but you catch my drift. Shit gets real.

So, one of these statement battles happened this weekend in my group of friends. And because this is my blog, I am going to say that my side of the battle was won, and furthermore I will safely state that all evidence suggests that I am indeed correct. Having lived in and around Manhattan for my entire life, I am calling myself a visual expert. Ladies and gentleman:

Baby pigeons do not exist.

Yeah I hear you, you’re like of course baby pigeons exist. Anything that is alive, was once a baby. But seriously, hear me out, have you ever fucking seen a baby pigeon?
No. You haven’t.

Goodbye.

Why Doesn’t Anyone Ever Want to go to Rehab?

There are a lot of reasons why being 16 and pregnant would fucking suck. The main reason being of course that you were 16 AND pregnant. This whole ordeal would no doubt be a billion times worse if cameras were up your ass for the next three years, filming you as you looked a crazy, hot, teenage mess for viewers weekly enjoyment. Ok MTV I know you didn’t honestly think that 16 and Preggo and Teen Mom would shine any light on why kids shouldn’t be having kids and inadvertently start some huge birth control and abstinence campaign with high shoolers across the board. I know you claim that was your intent, but it wasn’t so stop fronting. That’s like saying the point of The Real World Road Rules Challenge is to introduce viewers to parts of the world they had never seen before…right.

Earlier this week one of the teen mommas was sentenced to jail for the next five years. I read this in passing and was like oh probs because she tried to kill her baby daddy for the hundredth time. Except that’s totally not what happened. SHE CHOSE jail over rehab. Clearly Miss Amber Portwood hasn’t watched enough reality tv herself. Or bowed at the alter of get-out-of-jail card herself Lindsay Lohan.

WHO THE FUCK CHOOSES JAIL OVER REHAB?!?

Oh, maybe someone who has been popping obscene amounts of pills and has had her life broadcast over tv for the past few years. Yes blah blah she allowed cameras into her life, but she was also a minor. Teenagers make bad decisions. It is an inevitable truth. And since when are drug popping twenty year olds in any condition to opt out of rehab?

Having been raised Quaker I was taught from an early age that the nations jails were not places where people can go and get better. Jail and reform simply do not go hand in hand in my opinion. Beyond that I have watched basically every show that lets us inside prisons, heard prisoners speak and quickly realized jail is essentially hell.

Modern day prisons have been called out as places to keep black men holed up. There are more men in prison now than were enslaved in the 1800’s.

I am by no means saying that some people (murders, rapists, etc) don’t thoroughly belong to rot in hell for what they have done, but I do feel that small time drug dealers and repeat juvenile offenders simply do not belong in these conditions. If you want someone to change you can’t put them in an environment that promotes the opposite. In most cases I feel like sending someone to jail is the equivalent of sending an alcoholic to a bar.

There are more than 2.3 million people in jail in the US. The most out of any country in the world.

Young women belonging in rehab should not be placed in jail. End of story. Drug abuse runs rampant through our prison system. Amber’s chances of coming out changed are pretty fucking slim.

…not to mention her daughter.

85% of all inmates have had or do have a drug problem.

I am actually really and truly upset and saddened that no one demanded sending her to a facility that would actually benefit her. Instead of contributing to this countries already sad number of young adults in jail.

67% of ex prisoners reoffend and 52% are re-incarcerated

I wonder if MTV plans on filming a Teen Mom Jailhouse Rock special.

God Save …

So I’m watching the Queens Jubilee. And I’m just confused as to what the fuck goes on in England. Maybe because America is so new of a country that the whole royalty thing makes no sense to us. But I mean we did LEAVE England in the first place to get away from the whole system.

And yet I watched as everyone went bat shit for Kate and William. Girls wanted to fucking be her. Guys were like shit, our future wedding just skyrocketed in price AND this basic ring is absolutely not going to cut it. And I was just like ellipses ellipses ELLIPSES?!?

Seriously. What. Goes. On. In. England?

I understand that The Royals represent this life that is pure fairy tale. And as kids who all grew up drinking the Disney Kool Aid seeing our cartoons brought to real life is the biggest mind fuck. Seriously. And then, after you read about the royal families history you’re kind of like shit and I thought my family was fucked up.

It is mind bending that these people get to tra la la dum de dum play polo, ride in ceremonial parades, travel the world, and wave and smile pretty because they got lucky enough to be born into the most exclusive gated community that has ever existed. In case you missed it they aren’t allowed to ever work.

You know what else the Royals can’t do?

1. Play Monopoly. Because handling fake money and losing it all could seriously fuck up a young royal.

2. Eat mollusks. Because you could get food poisoning and die.

3. Sign ANYTHING. Don’t even bother asking for that autograph.

4. Once the Queen stops eating you do too. The end no questions asked.

5. You can’t vote. Ever.

I mean it’s kind of cool. Like I’d be a princess for a day (shut up). But letsbereal, it’s also ridiculous. I love old suits of arms and dresses Queens of yesteryear wore. But, it seems crazy that this system still exists. All of the wealth concentrated in one family. It is a tad sickening. Maybe I don’t get it because I’m some dumb American…but I’m kind of happy I don’t ever have to realistically say the words “God Save the Queen”.

Pump Your Breaks

Today is quite frankly the saddest day on the scale of the saddest sad sad ever. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but I am beside myself with grief and therefore can not articulate words. I haven’t been this sad since I realized Harry Potter was like, actually over and that there was no chance of me continuing my almost life long fantasy of being drunk on the subway one night, leaning casually on a wall, and crash landing through platform 9 and 3/4’s. Look. WE ALL HAVE OUR DREAMS. But seriously. Some shit has just gone down.

“U.S. transportation safety regulators shut down more than two dozen bus companies that predominantly run popular curbside “Chinatown” routes along the East Coast.”

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHEAPLY GET ACROSS THE EAST COAST? HUH?!? I know that there is still Megabus and Bolt and all of that, but sometimes I like a little risk in my ride. Sometimes I like to randomly just take a trip up to Boston. And when I do I want to get there in 3 hours, 40oz in hand, blasting Journey. (again stop your judging) How the hell am I supposed to play Russian bus Roulette now?

Ok I get that Chinatown busses aren’t exactly the safest…I mean you would probably do better hitching a ride with Paris Hilton (I hear she travels with both blunts and coke so you know you’d feel all Biggie Smalls goes Beverley Hills). First 4 Loko, now my Chinatown whips? God now I’m going to have to start doing bath salts.

Are you crying?
I seriously just read an article about how Greyhound is benefiting from Chinatowns loss. I yelped. Fuck Greyhound. A trip that costs me $12 on a Chinatown bus costs a steep $70 on the Hound of Grey. God! And they were just getting WIFI.

I’d love to wish you a happy weekend. But clearly all happiness in the world has been sucked into the black hole of “safety regulations”. Fuck. That. Shit.