The Recycle Cycle

So I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. I’M SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THESE MOTHER FUCKING LESBIANS ON THIS MOTHER FUCKING PLANE. No but really. I don’t know if it’s the weather, all the pollen in the air, your intense hangover from Dinah…but seriously. Y’all have gone cray. I can’t deal.

Heres the problem with lesbians. Well a bunch of problems rolled into one summary. Ok so girls will be girls. Girls will befriend girls. This is normal girl rule. Basic girl rule. Now what happens when said “girls” are into dating other GIRLS. Dun dun dun. Fucking hell breaks loose. Because then we all get stuck in this weird vortex. Some of us stay friends and than within that group of friends random people start dating yet continue hanging out as friends. And tha said friends who have begun dating break up and stay hanging out with group of friends. And thus all hell breaks loose. Its fun. Really. A fucking total joy.

How do we fix this?

We need to stop the recycle cycle. If you choose to date someone in your group of friends you must come to terms with the fact that chances are more than likely the two of you will break up. So once the two of you break up, you’re both still going to hang out with the same group of people BECAUSE YOURE PART OF THE SAME GROUP OF FUCKING FRIENDS. Get it? Comprehend? You know who suffers in this? US. The friends. WE SUFFER. I have been the product of one divorce already. I don’t need to go through one every time a couple that I’m friends with breaks up. Fo realz. We are adults. (no matter how many games of flip cup I play) Being an adult means that you deal with things in an adult manner. Meaning when you and yours break up you do it in a manner in which you both understand what is going to happen next. LAY DOWN THE FUCKING RULES. Talk it out. It is your own damn fault for dating someone that all of your friends are friends with to. Now you gots ta deal. Yes it may suck. But you have an entire cast of friends that you can now date. Because god forbid you date one of the other thousand lesbians in this city. You wanna keep it close. You deal with the awkward proximity issue. Because you know who doesn’t want to hear about it? THIS KID.

Why Dating as a Lesbian is the Hardest Shit You Never Signed Up For

Being a lesbian is hard. Like really truly fucking hard. Ok well that is mildly blowing things out of proportion so let me be more specific: dating as a lesbian is hard. It’s tough shit. For real. Casually dating as a lesbian is like The Situation trying not to refer to himself in the third person; almost down right impossible. I’ve basically reached a conclusion. It has taken about 5 years of dating (research) but I’ve got it.

Ahem:

Lesbians can not I repeat, CAN NOT date without:
A. Questioning if it could be more.
B. Freaking out that it could be more. C. Acting like it doesn’t mean anything though it totally means everything and you’ve fantasized about getting a cat with the girl you just met last night at Metropolitan.

Why? Because girls are naturally hard wired to give a shit. Only in the lesbian world does a Friday night one night stands somehow segway into a mini honeymoon weekend. And then by Monday morning you’re like oh fuck, I done gots me a wife.

My friends seem to always be confused. All I hear is “imma do me” (because I do in fact only hangout with lesbian hoodrats) yet all I see is “wife”. One girl is always ridiculously into it. And the other one for some fucking reason just goes along for the ride, then freaks out that things are starting to look way too much like a relationship.

Yawn.

I’m over it. So over it in fact that I’m just going to teach one epic seminar… I’m only mildly joking. With summer approaching things are only going to get worse. Lesbians flock to love in the heat like lions to a wart hog carcass. Yeah I went there (ten points to you of you caught that Mean Girl reference). Seriously though, I know dating is hard. But we all make it so much harder on ourselves by not laying out ground rules
AND ACTUALLY STICKING TO THEM.
. I hear everyone talk a big game. But once little miss hottie strolls into the picture your clit goes haywire and suddenly your dumbstruck. You know what you want. And if you don’t, DON’T DATE. The equation is very simple.

Also note this:

If you have a tons of one night stands you will be thought of as an asshole/douchebag. You will also be able to continue fucking as many girls as possible because they will all have the hopes to change your ways. Hello Shane.

If you are the type who is constantly saying that they want to be single yet gets drunk and “connects” you will be the type that will attract horrible bitches who you will ultimately end up in some horrible tug of non relationship war with.

If you are the bitter type who feels no one is worth your time you will undoubtedly attract a legion of emotion nazis who will try and break you.

Ladies. Get. It. Together. Accept the fact that as a woman who loves women your chance of having normal casual relationships is essentially NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Its not. Sorry. You will have to deal with some kind of emotional roller coaster. Guaranteed.

Das. It.

Swim Like a Man Lose Like a Woman

A woman can’t do anything as well as a man can.

At least that is what this years Olympics would have you believe. Especially if its a physical feat. It is true that when it comes to sports men do tend to have faster times, lift more etc. Men and women are not built the same. In comparison the worlds strongest women is just as strong as the worlds strongest man. For their bodies they are both pushing the limits and achieving success to unparalleled goals. If a male athlete does something as fast as excuse me as slow as the fastest women in the same sport, he by male standards is considered not that great. But lets say he was having an off day as any athlete can, so we shrug it off. If a female athlete competes and does better then a man she is clearly taking supplements. She is not an extraordinary athlete or a once in a lifetime marvel. She is clearly, obviously “doping”. Maybe male athletes who falter, are consuming too much estrogen. Because surely any full blooded, testosterone driven man would not lose to a lady.

When male athletes fuck up in the sports world which is frankly, ALL THE TIME; fans stray away from what they consciously know to be wrong. And more often then not choose to go right along believing that their male athlete is a god. One above common law. It happens every single year. And we forgive every single year.

In fact up until the recent Penn State scandal I can’t remember a time in recent history where a male associated with winning athletics,has seriously had to suffer for his actions.

Think about it. Kobe Bryant cheated in his wife. Apologized. And is still the darling of the Lakers. Tiger Woods who also cheated, is still playing golf and sponsoring products. Yes he did have an epic downfall where his playing was atrocious and his life seemed pretty dim but he is currently doing just fine.

I understand that Doping is not the same as cheating. But it is the same line of thinking that allows powerful people to think they are entitled to do whatever they want to improve their well being or their game.

Let’s go at this from another angle. All of these men who cheat are seen as well, men. Society has adopted a boys will be boys mindset. Now what if being a “boy” and sleeping around lands you with a sexually transmitted disease? What if it lands you with one of the most horrifying viruses to ever exist?

During basketball season one can turn on the t.v. and see some of basketballs retired greats (and some not so greats) hosting and reporting games. One of these men in Magic Johnson, who happens to have HIV.

Now. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with a t.v. host having HIV. It’s actually admirable, that in a society that has such ignorance towards the virus that someone carrying it is broadcasted into our living rooms. But I will say without any ounce of doubt that if Magic Johnson was a female athlete carrying the same virus, she would be hard pressed to find any form of work, never mind have a prime time television gig. If Anderson Cooper told the world that he had HIV, think about the backlash that would occur. Magic is seen as the hero he was always seen as. Anderson would be nothing more then a fag.

OJ Simpson killed his ex wife. Americans celebrated when he was acquitted.

But back to doping.

Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa both used steroids. I still hear their names everyday. Congress got involved. Books were written. These two men have managed to stay extremely relevant. No one wants to hear that their hero is a fake. They’ll have trials, they’ll run tests, they’ll watch old tapes, listen to their lies, yet still they hold out hope that it was all indeed just a hoax. A misunderstanding at the most. Remember Marion Jones that highly decorated and celebrated female track star? She got caught for doping too. Remember her? You know Marion? Marion Jones. That female phenom who was caught using steroids. Oh wait. Females only have one shot to fall from grace.

Americans are quick to use phrases from the bible or amendments in the constitution to back up their often ignorant or hateful claims. Yet when passing judgement on to others they fail to give the accused the same platform of speech. “Innocent until proven guilty.” “The right to a fair and speedy trial.” These are all phrases in our constitution yet Ye Shiwan has been judged before even getting a chance to prove herself innocent.

What she has proved thus far is that she is an exceptionally amazing athlete. Both her and Michael Phelps have beaten records so far this Olympics. Look who is being hailed as a hero. And who is being ostracized as a cheater.

P.S. She was just cleared of all charges.