Why Dating as a Lesbian is the Hardest Shit You Never Signed Up For

Being a lesbian is hard. Like really truly fucking hard. Ok well that is mildly blowing things out of proportion so let me be more specific: dating as a lesbian is hard. It’s tough shit. For real. Casually dating as a lesbian is like The Situation trying not to refer to himself in the third person; almost down right impossible. I’ve basically reached a conclusion. It has taken about 5 years of dating (research) but I’ve got it.


Lesbians can not I repeat, CAN NOT date without:
A. Questioning if it could be more.
B. Freaking out that it could be more. C. Acting like it doesn’t mean anything though it totally means everything and you’ve fantasized about getting a cat with the girl you just met last night at Metropolitan.

Why? Because girls are naturally hard wired to give a shit. Only in the lesbian world does a Friday night one night stands somehow segway into a mini honeymoon weekend. And then by Monday morning you’re like oh fuck, I done gots me a wife.

My friends seem to always be confused. All I hear is “imma do me” (because I do in fact only hangout with lesbian hoodrats) yet all I see is “wife”. One girl is always ridiculously into it. And the other one for some fucking reason just goes along for the ride, then freaks out that things are starting to look way too much like a relationship.


I’m over it. So over it in fact that I’m just going to teach one epic seminar… I’m only mildly joking. With summer approaching things are only going to get worse. Lesbians flock to love in the heat like lions to a wart hog carcass. Yeah I went there (ten points to you of you caught that Mean Girl reference). Seriously though, I know dating is hard. But we all make it so much harder on ourselves by not laying out ground rules
. I hear everyone talk a big game. But once little miss hottie strolls into the picture your clit goes haywire and suddenly your dumbstruck. You know what you want. And if you don’t, DON’T DATE. The equation is very simple.

Also note this:

If you have a tons of one night stands you will be thought of as an asshole/douchebag. You will also be able to continue fucking as many girls as possible because they will all have the hopes to change your ways. Hello Shane.

If you are the type who is constantly saying that they want to be single yet gets drunk and “connects” you will be the type that will attract horrible bitches who you will ultimately end up in some horrible tug of non relationship war with.

If you are the bitter type who feels no one is worth your time you will undoubtedly attract a legion of emotion nazis who will try and break you.

Ladies. Get. It. Together. Accept the fact that as a woman who loves women your chance of having normal casual relationships is essentially NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Its not. Sorry. You will have to deal with some kind of emotional roller coaster. Guaranteed.

Das. It.

5 thoughts on “Why Dating as a Lesbian is the Hardest Shit You Never Signed Up For”

  1. Decent (albeit cynical) post. But, sorry, doll, these just made my soul cringe. No offense meant. ❤

    1) "suddenly your dumbstruck" – *you're
    2) "If you have a tons" – *a tons OR *[no 'a'] tons
    3) "NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Its not." – *It's

    1. Writing with learning disorders is a BITCH. No offense taken at all. I usually have a bunch of my friends playing grammar police on this kid.

      On it ❤

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