No One Likes a Sandy Vagina

I know as New Yorkers you hear “storm” and you’re like yeah whatevs I’ve got my Seamless and my two step. But Sandy pants looks a tad bit serious pants so you should put on your adult pants (bonus points for both legs in at once) and get some hurricane supplies ready.

Things to know:

1. After 7:00 PM the Subway will be shutting the fuck down. So plan on getting to wherever you plan on hibernating for the next day or so before then.

2. All public schools are closed. I know. You’re like I don’t have kids. Cool. What that means is that a billion parents are currently freaking out and buying out the groceries stores so that little Billy and bratty brace face Susie don’t drive them ape shit in the event they’re stuck in the house. So GET YOUR ASS TO THE GROCERY STORE

What to buy:

http://voices.yahoo.com/30-foods-buy-hurricane-season-488435.html

3. We all live in a very happy place where we don’t really have to deal with intense weather. That being said don’t be a douche bag. Listen to weather reports. Don’t be that asshole that dies on the Williamsburg bridge because you were trying to take the perfect Instagram shot.

4. Friends make everything better. So stay with a bunch.

5. Charge all electronics that need to be charged (duh). You can charge your phone using your laptop.

6. Candles and flashlights are awesome, you know why? Because we are all still very afraid of the dark.

#sorryihadto

7. This always helps:

8. And if it doesn’t:

9. Keep updated and stuffs Huffington Post has pretty much got you.

10. You essentially just got 3 days off. Except wait. Has Halloween been cancelled?!?

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Trumped.

So this happened:

And then this happened:

I think it’s safe to say that not only does Donald Trump have the worst hair on the planet, but he’s also a racist bully. When has it ever occurred in our history, that someone with as much status as Trump was openly so disrespectful to THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? Birth certificate + college apps and passport records? Who the fuck do you think you are you pompous piece of shit? Who died and made you the keeper of American’s wants and dreams? The FBI and the CIA are in place for a reason, and last time I checked you are the director of neither. Also the time is going to come when more immigrants live here then folks actually born here, we are going to as a country have to open up the conversation to allowing immigrants to occupy the highest office in the country. I know. Shock. Terrifying. But in the meantime Mr. Trump, I’d like to punch you in the face. Wait, no that’s a lie. You sir. I would like to roundhouse kick in the jugular. Go fly a kite.

Sigh.
In other. Happier. Gay news. Listen to the best radio spot ever to exist. EVER.

http://soundcloud.com/thinkpro/kluweradioad?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=wtshare&utm_medium=email&utm_content=http://soundcloud.com/thinkpro/kluweradioad

Fake Book

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been on an Okcupid date gotten there, and the person who walks through the door is well…not exactly who they painted themselves out to be? Some of us are more photogenic than others. Some of us have mastered the art of angles, and use them fully to our advantage. Let me be blunt. DECEIVING PEOPLE ONLINE IN THE HOPES OF GARNERING ATTENTION AND PROCURING DATES OR MAKING FRIENDS IS WRONG AND IF YOU DO IT TO ME YOU BET YOUR BOTTOM MOTHER FUCKING DOLLAR IM GOING TO WRITE A BLOG ABOUT YOU.

So now you’re all like whoa Ry this sounds personal. What happened boo? Need anything? And I’m gonna be like YEAH IT IS PERSONAL. Sit my friends for I have a story to tell:

Now while I haven’t been on a rando OkCupid date in a minute I have been on many in the past. And let’s say 1 out of 5 times girls have kinda sorta straight up lied. For the most part it’s been pretty dismissible shit. You know like pictures were clearly from 5 years ago, or they just happened to be amazing word smiths on the Internet but in person couldn’t fucking talk to a drive thru window.

Now when you meet someone in person you can verbally lie, but you can’t visually. Yes there’s makeup and there are push up bras, but beyond mild tinkering and slight deceptions you in person are just that YOU.

Now when you meet someone online they can be whomever the fuck they want. Do a google image search. Find a hot girl. Find 10 pictures of her. Ta da you now have an Okcupid. Take same pictures and create a fake name. You now have a Facebook. Go back to Google, image search 5 more people. Give them all fake names. You now have 6 people on Facebook who can all post on each others walls. Making it seem to a casual outsider that these are all indeed friends and REAL.

Think about it. That. Shit. Is. Creepy.

A movie came out a few years ago posing as a documentary following a New Yorkers unexpected love with a woman he met online. His friend (conveniently a filmmaker saw this as a once in a lifetime opportunity to document how younger generations now find love) It is unclear if the film – Catfish is indeed 100% real but let me tell you, the movie 100% reality fucked me and everyone in the theater whom I saw it with HARD.

The thesis of the movie is essentially: What happens when, the person you have been falling head over heels for turns out to be someone COMPLETELY different? As in he thought he fell in love with a hot 20 something year old musician who turned out to be a 40 something year old bored and lonely housewife.

The hot girl you’ve been texting all week, the one that you met off OkCupid is actually 50 and has 3 kids.

Wanna barf yet?

So. Back to me. A few months ago a girl hit me up on OkC trying to make new friends in this big bag city of clicky lesbians and shunning queers (kidding…kinda). So, I’m like duh yeah cool, we can chill anytime, add me on FB and come out to a party sometime. Delicious. So maybe three months pass with a liking of a status here, a “hey come out this weekend there”. But alas she never showed. Cool whatevaahh. But THEN last night by the miracle of Lindsay Lohan herself. She messaged me to be on my team for Mean Girls trivia. And I of course was like duh on Thursdays we wear pink. So I give her my digits and am like come holla at 6:30 prepare to dominate.

She shows up.
She is not her.

Now what does a sane human being do when they encounter something like this? If for months you have been thinking someone was someone and then you meet them and they are someone else what the flying fuck is your brain to do? Well my brain played an hour and a half of Mean Girls trivia and tried my hardest not to channel Gretchen Weiners vis a vis: YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.

I honestly didn’t know what to do. It’s one thing to be lied to online. But to be lied to in person? To be lied to about YOUR FACE? I just…I don’t… I… So I went home and did some super sleuthing on the Internet. Because well if the Internet is gonna spit on my face, I’m gonna pee right back on its viral self.

Well. Apparently IRL people do in actuality make multiple fake Facebooks to make it seem like they’re a happening individual. IRL people comment and quote and like all of their web of fake Facebook friends. In. Real. Fucking. Life. People think they can pull one over on one Ryley Rubin Pogensky. Get the fuck outta Dodge.

There is a very memorable scene in Catfish where the husband of the woman after hearing about his wife’s made up life online says this:

“They used to tank cod from Alaska all the way to China. They’d keep them in vats in the ship. By the time the codfish reached China, the flesh was mush and tasteless. So this guy came up with the idea that if you put these cods in these big vats, put some catfish in with them and the catfish will keep the cod agile. And there are those people who are catfish in life. And they keep you on your toes. They keep you guessing, they keep you thinking, they keep you fresh. And I thank god for the catfish because we would be droll, boring and dull if we didn’t have somebody nipping at our fin.”

I am a Catfish. And you fake friend are the Cod.
Check. Mate.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/omfgitstakisha

*Update this account has been deleted. Because. Creepy.

*Note*
I have done so much creeping and researching, that I now feel like I need a deep tissue massage and a 24 hour shower. Ok maybe a 48 hour shower and a cheeseburger. Oh and a hug. From a real human. Thanks.

Love Walks

… because they say I’ve got talent
Or at least I know I burn myself with words
But growing old sounds so romantic
Yet being old sounds tragic
Heartbreak sounds the best when I’m holding on to you
And feel my heart falling through my chest
When I can feel it beating in my toes
And I can feel you breathing hard and to the beat
I stand up on what should be solid ground
But then again I have shaky feet
And look out the window
And then up to the sky
I stand there naked
Wondering who the fuck are you
Well who the fuck am I?
The scary thing about being in love has nothing to do with the falling
It has to do with the lasting
That after years my sex will still sustain you
That my juvenile jokes will still make you laugh
That after you kiss me you’ll miss my lips and instinctively pull me back
That after years your scent will still linger in my nose
Stick to my clothes
Can you last my anxiety
My stupid insecurities
I want to grow into your curves
I want you to fade into mine
I near want to be like my parents
And stay with a partner through years of darkness
Excuse my tongue
For when I get carried away
When I turn over in bed
Place a hand on my hip
Until I turn back your way
I do not know how to stray
I do however know all to well how to walk away
Make me stay
More importantly
Please
Please don’t call my bluff
Don’t you leave too soon
Don’t you
Walk away

So. Long.

I can’t can’t talk to god
That would be so wrong
Haven’t spoken a word to the sky in who knows how long
And when I think of heaven
I just think of my mom
Not sure about my self guidance
I could be dead wrong
So most nights I sit in silence
Instead of speaking up
Keep my emotions tidy
Because in reality there’s way too much to clean up
My mind is madness
But my laugh is contagion
Zip up my psyche
From time to time
But make sure to keep
The anxiety
Because if I wasn’t anxious
I’d forget to breathe
And no matter what I do to change it
Anxiety
Is me
So I may not know Jesus
But I know the feeling
Of something taking over
And of truly seeing
I’ve stopped breathing
And had to find myself
Not in books
But mirrors
Staring into eyes that see so many others
But I will always look away
When it’s just me and you
You know fear from a single solitary gaze
I lay in bed at night and I fight
I fight the feeling of emptiness the dark gives me
Yet curled up tucked under covers the silence of the night time comforts me
So I fight the fear I’ve held since I was young when my parents turned the lights out
What can come when the door is closed and you have no one
Sometimes I feel that way about my heart
That it’s been left in the dark
And there it lays in bed – my chest
Beating alone
And then I tell myself I’m being dramatic
To pick my head up and to be less tragic
Yesterday for the first time in what I think was actually forever
That I looked up
And said I missed you
I miss you
We haven’t talked
In so long

A Meme-ingful Debate

The debate last night was essentially a colossal ass whooping and a half served to Mitt Romney courtesy of the sassiest president ever to have existed in the history of ever. I was literally waiting for Obama to diva snap after each sentence. Maybe suck his teeth a bit or at least smack his gum. I mean he didn’t need to, for anyone watching Romney got beat up like a band geek in the cafeteria. Shit got real. A recap, in all of the internets meme glory:

First off let’s give Mitt Romney a pat on the back for a truly epic achievement on his part:

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Now let Obama tell us how it really is:

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Romney proposed that the Obama administration had faltered on the September 11 attacks in Libya. He claimed that Obama kept the American people from the truth -that when Obama addressed the public he shied away from telling us that the carnage was indeed a terrorist attack.

And Obama was like:

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BOOM.

When the governor was asked about gender pay differences and inequalities he responded with this:
“And I—and I went to my staff, and I said, ‘How come all the people for these jobs are—are all men.’ They said: ‘Well, these are the people that have the qualifications.’ And I said: ‘Well, gosh, can’t we—can’t we find some—some women that are also qualified?’ And—and so we—we took a concerted effort to go out and find women who had backgrounds that could be qualified to become members of our cabinet. I went to a number of women’s groups and said: ‘Can you help us find folks,’ and they brought us whole binders full of women.

Binders. Full. Of. Women.

Seriously? On what planet did you
A. See that making sense.
B. Think that the American public who for the most part have a very skewed view of Mormons and their relationship with polygamy wouldn’t see this and fucking run with it. Like seriously. Run. With. It.

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Swayze ran with it:

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And Beyonce was all uh huh well if you like it than you:

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All Dos Equis drinkers were like:

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The Internet was not amused Mittens.

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Nope. Still not amused.

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The least amused:

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But I’m glad YOU think you’re funny.

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And remember:

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For more “binders full of women” check: http://bindersfullofwomen.tumblr.com/

In case you were wondering. Obama kind of sort of slaughtered.

Oh wait hold on Mitt. Honey boo boo has one last message for you:

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(Romney has said that his early life with Ann was really rough so rough in fact that: “Our dining room table was a fold down ironing board in the kitchen.”)