Fake Book

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been on an Okcupid date gotten there, and the person who walks through the door is well…not exactly who they painted themselves out to be? Some of us are more photogenic than others. Some of us have mastered the art of angles, and use them fully to our advantage. Let me be blunt. DECEIVING PEOPLE ONLINE IN THE HOPES OF GARNERING ATTENTION AND PROCURING DATES OR MAKING FRIENDS IS WRONG AND IF YOU DO IT TO ME YOU BET YOUR BOTTOM MOTHER FUCKING DOLLAR IM GOING TO WRITE A BLOG ABOUT YOU.

So now you’re all like whoa Ry this sounds personal. What happened boo? Need anything? And I’m gonna be like YEAH IT IS PERSONAL. Sit my friends for I have a story to tell:

Now while I haven’t been on a rando OkCupid date in a minute I have been on many in the past. And let’s say 1 out of 5 times girls have kinda sorta straight up lied. For the most part it’s been pretty dismissible shit. You know like pictures were clearly from 5 years ago, or they just happened to be amazing word smiths on the Internet but in person couldn’t fucking talk to a drive thru window.

Now when you meet someone in person you can verbally lie, but you can’t visually. Yes there’s makeup and there are push up bras, but beyond mild tinkering and slight deceptions you in person are just that YOU.

Now when you meet someone online they can be whomever the fuck they want. Do a google image search. Find a hot girl. Find 10 pictures of her. Ta da you now have an Okcupid. Take same pictures and create a fake name. You now have a Facebook. Go back to Google, image search 5 more people. Give them all fake names. You now have 6 people on Facebook who can all post on each others walls. Making it seem to a casual outsider that these are all indeed friends and REAL.

Think about it. That. Shit. Is. Creepy.

A movie came out a few years ago posing as a documentary following a New Yorkers unexpected love with a woman he met online. His friend (conveniently a filmmaker saw this as a once in a lifetime opportunity to document how younger generations now find love) It is unclear if the film – Catfish is indeed 100% real but let me tell you, the movie 100% reality fucked me and everyone in the theater whom I saw it with HARD.

The thesis of the movie is essentially: What happens when, the person you have been falling head over heels for turns out to be someone COMPLETELY different? As in he thought he fell in love with a hot 20 something year old musician who turned out to be a 40 something year old bored and lonely housewife.

The hot girl you’ve been texting all week, the one that you met off OkCupid is actually 50 and has 3 kids.

Wanna barf yet?

So. Back to me. A few months ago a girl hit me up on OkC trying to make new friends in this big bag city of clicky lesbians and shunning queers (kidding…kinda). So, I’m like duh yeah cool, we can chill anytime, add me on FB and come out to a party sometime. Delicious. So maybe three months pass with a liking of a status here, a “hey come out this weekend there”. But alas she never showed. Cool whatevaahh. But THEN last night by the miracle of Lindsay Lohan herself. She messaged me to be on my team for Mean Girls trivia. And I of course was like duh on Thursdays we wear pink. So I give her my digits and am like come holla at 6:30 prepare to dominate.

She shows up.
She is not her.

Now what does a sane human being do when they encounter something like this? If for months you have been thinking someone was someone and then you meet them and they are someone else what the flying fuck is your brain to do? Well my brain played an hour and a half of Mean Girls trivia and tried my hardest not to channel Gretchen Weiners vis a vis: YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.

I honestly didn’t know what to do. It’s one thing to be lied to online. But to be lied to in person? To be lied to about YOUR FACE? I just…I don’t… I… So I went home and did some super sleuthing on the Internet. Because well if the Internet is gonna spit on my face, I’m gonna pee right back on its viral self.

Well. Apparently IRL people do in actuality make multiple fake Facebooks to make it seem like they’re a happening individual. IRL people comment and quote and like all of their web of fake Facebook friends. In. Real. Fucking. Life. People think they can pull one over on one Ryley Rubin Pogensky. Get the fuck outta Dodge.

There is a very memorable scene in Catfish where the husband of the woman after hearing about his wife’s made up life online says this:

“They used to tank cod from Alaska all the way to China. They’d keep them in vats in the ship. By the time the codfish reached China, the flesh was mush and tasteless. So this guy came up with the idea that if you put these cods in these big vats, put some catfish in with them and the catfish will keep the cod agile. And there are those people who are catfish in life. And they keep you on your toes. They keep you guessing, they keep you thinking, they keep you fresh. And I thank god for the catfish because we would be droll, boring and dull if we didn’t have somebody nipping at our fin.”

I am a Catfish. And you fake friend are the Cod.
Check. Mate.

*Update this account has been deleted. Because. Creepy.

I have done so much creeping and researching, that I now feel like I need a deep tissue massage and a 24 hour shower. Ok maybe a 48 hour shower and a cheeseburger. Oh and a hug. From a real human. Thanks.


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