Lesbians and queers have you ever thought about how many of your friends you’ve fucked? No seriously, have you ever seriously sat down and thought about how many of the people that you text with everrryyyday, how many of them your texting fingers have been inside of or vice versa? Too graphic? How many of your friends lady bits have touched your lady bits and therefore produced a royal round of gay applause?
It’s scary right? Don’t feel like a major slore, it’s kind of a good thing that all of your friends are so damn good looking right?
You know that little box of “friends” that pops up on your timeline homepage of Facebook. Well at any time at least one of the people in that box is someone I’ve slept with. I have refreshed and refreshed and still the odds have totally not worked in my favor. Now I have over a thousand friends on Facebook and a good chunk of them are men (and lawd knows I’ve never touched a penis) so I feel like Facebook is just trying to rub things in my face. But WHATEVER Zuckerberg I get it you’re just mad because Instagram was way better and spam free before you got all up in its grill. BUT I DIGRESS. Now seriously, that means I’m still friends with like everyone I’ve ever slept with (I mean friends in that Facebook way not in the Stand By Me lets find that dead body way). When I go out I see a collection of ex’s, bad dates, good times, horrifying times, etc and well it just furthers what I already knew: The gay world is too fucking small.That and as a female bodied person, with female emotions, and girl hormones I can’t like, just let people go. Like I can, but then they come back, because remember that one awesome time we had together? You know that ONE time during our entire relationship where I could stand you and you could stand me? That one time, and the fact that I will see you from every party from now until either you drop dead or I get married (bets on what will happen first).
And being that those who I have dated are also emotional girl things, it means that even as “friends” they will at some point make a jab about the past. You know because they are so over your relationship that all of sudden after a few beers it’s totally cool to make a casual sex joke. Or it is TOTALLY ok to talk about one of your embarrassing habits now, because NOW it’s just all good fun. Why? BECAUSE YOU’RE FRIENDS! It is so lovely being friends with people who have seen you drunk and naked and know that you wet the bed that one time. That person who can attest that you’ve fallen asleep while going down on them. It’s all so funny now though, because you’re like bff’s.
Now that you’ve gotten that awkward dating thing out of the way, you can talk about the new people you’re dating that aren’t each other because you two frankly CAN’T STAND ONE ANOTHER! Yay friendship. Ok so I am being a bit dramatic; there are people whom I’ve slept with who I totally love now and consider real true fwiends. But like seriously it is a bit odd to me that at a good chunk of my friends weddings a whole lot of us will have had a roll in the hay. And when family members ask the obligatory how we all know each other question we’ll have to come up with some outrageously dumb lie on the spot. You know kind of like the lie you make up when someone asks “How you two met.” And the answer is OKcupid. “Uhm, we uh, we both ordered PBR at the bar and both laughed at how random of a beer choice that was for two young broke kids in Williamsburg, and uhm yeah we uh started talking from there.” “She uhm, jogged by me and I realized that we were in the same English class in 7th grade, so I uh stopped her and asked her how what she thought of Catcher in the Rye, and then we got coffee, because surprise she was gay.” WHAT?!? We totally DID NOT meet on Okcupid stories are The Best.
So this weekend when you are out at what can only be 3 places (because lesbroqueers are like territorial lions) have fun trying to find someone you have not slept with. Also try not to have a conversation with someone you’ve slept with. As you cross the dance floor to the bathroom let me know if you don’t bump into someone you went on a date with. If you manage to have one entire night out WITHOUT seeing someone that you have not at one point in time locked lips with, well I am calling you a liar right now. Either a liar or a straight person, because lord knows straight people have the privilege (amongst a laundry list of many others but this is clearly the mos important) to sleep with someone and literally NEVER see them again. Will one of you lucky bastards let me know what that feels like? Anyway. Try. I dare you. Heres a hint: you’re going to lose.