Resolve.

Was it just me, or did 2012 royally suck? I’m only 23 so I guess I don’t have a plethora of years to speak of BUT honestly 2012 life a bad ex girlfriend I am so so so happy to see you off. Speaking of ex’s, I think it is quite telling that Somebody That I Used to know was one of the biggest songs of the year. It was like everyone was super depressed and just needed to get it out. The Mayans might have been wrong, but in a way the world kind of did end this year.

Google did however manage to do what Google always manages to fucking do, and that is make me feel real feelings.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xY_MUB8adEQ

#thanksalot

I guess being an adult means that year to year your life has the potential to change more then you ever could have imagined when you were younger. From jobs to people to apartments you just start to realize that life is beyond super unstable in so many ways. Is this growing up? Am I growing up? Because I sure as hell refuse to consider myself grown yet. Like seriously I’m stamping my feet.

I feel like our generation needs a manual. We are so off the charts different from our parents and our grandparents that it’s not even funny. I know that every generation goes through that, but think about it, our grandparents grew up without everyone owning cars, phones in the home were a rarity never mind one in the palm of your hand. Tablets? Please they didn’t have computers. Yeah your parents grew up with rock and roll and weed, but they also grew up with open racism and a country that silenced gays. There was still a draft god dammit!

Let’s think about this, if there was a draft today people simply would not show up. Like they would actually probably just throw away their draft cards and head out to the bar. How many people do you know that didn’t fill out their Census? Or file their taxes? I won’t generalize and say that no one under the age of 30 cares, but what I will say is if you live in the tri state area and are under the age of 30 a very large part of you does not give a flying fuck about a bevy of things our parents once deemed extremely important. Folks have always lost faith in their government, there have always been rallies and protests, but up until the Occupy movement I had never seen our generation rally together so seriously. Maybe that suggests that we finally reached a place where we could be happy with our country, that this was finally an amazing place to live. Or maybe it meant that we had reached a level of meh.

Now cool your jets, I’m not saying that you don’t care about anything, I’m just saying that your priorities are probs drastically different then that of which your mom and dad once dreamed. And I think, I think that’s ok. But I do wonder if we hit fast forward to say 20 years from now where we will all be? Maybe this is so relevant to me because I work in blogging nightlife. Two sectors that are definitely dominated by the young and the fun. So when we all aren’t young and fun any longer, well where will be?

In a world of shrinking 401 K’s and pensions, the future just seems like a tunnel. You know you have to walk through it but you have no idea what could be ahead. When I was younger if you had asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would answer immediately, with some job that fit in a box very nicely. I would not have spit out “Oh I would love to be a jack of all trades.” How many people do you know who “hustle”? Who have jobs that they hate, to make money to pay rent, and then use the rest of the time creating; doing what they really love. People who don’t fit in boxes. People whose parents do not understand what the flying fuck they are doing with their lives.

Honestly I have no idea what I will be doing a year from now. I don’t feel the societal pressure to get married and have children so I don’t feel like my biological clock is ticking. It has honestly taken me until this point to know who I was. To know what gender pronouns I was comfortable with. What kind of girls I am attracted to. Whether or not I can see a future with someone else or if I’d rather date forever. This was the first year of my life where I had my heart broken. It was the first year I did my taxes alone. It was the first time in my life where I let go of my families bull shit and said this is my life and I do not care if you aren’t on board.

I focused on my flaws this year. I simmered in them. I let them boil. I am not perfect (surprise). I have not reached who I want to be emotionally or spiritually yet. And I guess my resolution for 2013 is simply:
Growth. I have nothing to prove to anyone else, but myself in 20 years. I have let fears allow me to settle, to think inside the box, and to not let people penetrate my walls. I can’t snap my fingers and suddenly change what 23 years has made me, nor do I fully want to change that person, but I am at a point where I see where change needs to occur.

I have been walking through my life tunnel for quite some time without a light. In 2012 I finally found a lantern, and I know that I’ll have to change the oil from time to time but at least now I have something. And sometimes a little something, is better then absolutely nothing.

So goodbye 2012. Thank you for the lessons, thank you for being so crappy, it means that making 2013 amazing will be that much more important.

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