The Village Voice has penned up an article talking about how lesbians just don’t seem to be into the whole: hooking up with a random stranger from a date app thing.
Which like after reading all I could think was: duh.
But then I really got to thinking. When it comes to women and using the internet as a dating tool – is sex what they are looking for at all? And if not, why?
Firstly, let us not fall back on the antiquated thought that women don’t like one night stands or can’t hook up in the way men can. But a man on a dating app has a sexual power that a woman may not. What do I mean by that? With rape being a fucking ridiculous and often glorified problem in this country is it any shock that a woman wouldn’t want to “put herself” out there online? How often are women told that their rapes are their faults? The problem is where does consent come into play? Is the woman consenting to sex as soon as she agrees to meet a man for the night? Can she change her mind after they do meet? If he has sex with her anyway can he claim that it was indeed mutual and consensual? “Look at our messages!” he could say. “She’s on a site looking for sex, of course she wanted it.” Now this rape scenario may not have anything to do with lesbians dating online but lesbians ARE after all women, many of whom grew up dating men. But regardless of who they once dated, once common thread ties all women together: society has since birth told them how they should act.
Women in this country have gone through many a feminist movement, and are still to this day fighting for equality. It seems no matter how much progress is made there are still reminders in society showing us how far we have to go. Look no farther than millions of American’s t.v. screens on Sunday nights at 10:00. Mad Men has taken over our lives in more ways than you may think. The show has done more then spawned clothing lines and spike the sales of scotch and orders of Old Fashioned’s. It has also shown a man, many men at the top. Fucking whomever they fucking please, and still going home to their wives and kids. While some characters have seen the downfall of living such a lifestyle for the most part these men live a life of absolute power – both financially and sexually. It would be absurd to say that men watching Mad Men were not intrigued by Don Draper. He gets away with being both a tremendous asshole and a sauve misogynist simultaneously. If Don can do it? Why can’t I?
When I first started watching Mad Men I was captivated by this man. He walked into offices and you could literally see women salivating. He reminded me of one of my young idols Shane (you know THAT Shane). Both characters have striking similarities. They are both loyal to their friends, yet have no idea how to actually function in romantic endeavors. They both use their charm and wit to attract nearly anyone and everyone who crosses their path. They both come from secretive troubled pasts that control their current worlds. They can not escape who they once were and it haunts them everyday. So they get drunk, they fuck as many women as they can, and they routinely fall on their faces, yet somehow get back up.
These masculine figures that the media portrays to us, they trickle down to real life settings. No one wants to date a Don Draper or a Shane, but inevitably it happens. Now the question arises, would someone like these two use a dating app strictly for hooking up? No, because it would ruin the veil of mystery and secrecy the two have crafted so well. So what kind of man is on these sites, what kind of lesbian? The one thing that seems apparent from every woman Don Draper fucks, is that they all trust him. They see him as someone who would never physically harm them and could quite possibly fall in love with them. Shane comes off as a helpless lost puppy. Certainly not someone who would inflict harm upon you. Break you heart? Yes. Totally. But neither of these two would assault you.
I think it is safe to say that women not only like to but need to feel safe when it comes to any kind of sexual encounter. The internet is simply to easy a place for people to hide. How does a woman – gay or straight know that the person they are meeting is actually who they say they are? In a lesbian’s case homophobia becomes a question. What if the person on the other side of this conversation is actually a gay bashing hetero man? Now of course ANYONE can lie when it comes to online dating. But a man has an upper hand so to say. A hand that society has already given him.
So why aren’t lesbians lining up to the interent fuck bin? Surely there are lesbians out there who just want sex. Of fucking course there are. But they want to do it in a safe space. They need a little more than: 23, Black, Athletic. Women need at the bare minimum some face time, a bit of conversation, a little more than: Room 217 knock three times. But this has nothing to do with women being prudes or beings who can’t explore their sexuality openly, I honestly think this has to do both with safety and with how women are wired. For the most part – ladies do not talk about sex and those who they are attracted to the way men do. I won’t stereotype and say that ALL men will stick it wherever they can but men and women are simply different sexual beings.
I have lived life both as a female and as a male. And I guess in a way I still continue to do so. I have taken part in conversations with men (who see me as a man) about who they are attracted to/dating/fucking and with women talking about the same. AND LET ME TELL YOU: Shit goes down quite differently. There are of course many factors to why these conversations occur oh so differently. A group of men for instance are not exactly trying to have a powwow about feelings and what this encounter could possibly mean. One on one maybe. But with the pack? Fuck no. It also can not be ignored that men can seemingly separate sex and love in a way that women can not. This is not to say that they are at fault for this, but it does seem to be a truth. Maybe I hang out with some very emotional ladies, but it is rare that I hear from one of them about someone they have had sex with and not heard some form of emotional something about it. There are exceptions to every rule of course but I am speaking from my own personal experience.
Do lesbians and straight women look to the interent for sex? Are women thinking that they want to find a fuck buddy using their iPhone? Let us not forget that both sexes act with the thought of what their friends will think. Let us take these two scenarios: If a guy’s friend went onto his phone and saw an inbox filled with women/men who wanted to fuck his friend what would his reaction be? If a woman went onto her friends phone and saw the same what would her reaction be? Now it is quite possible that both would react with high fives and _____________ insert any inappropriate comments here. But the one thing I can 9/10 guarantee is the girls friend WOULD say that the dudes friend would not is:
“Is this safe?”