Belated

I wash my face at night with the soap you always used to use
Because then it’s like you’re kissing me
Not a bedtime ritual
More like tucking myself in
Taking you in
For a second – in that moment
I forget everything

Sometimes I wander into perfume stores
And spray my skin
And then I stand there
I stand still
Because you see then it is almost like you just left the room
I pretend that you just went somewhere else
To another room in the house
As the scent lingers in the air in front of me
You’re there
For a second I see you
I hear your laugh
And I hear you saying my name
Nina baby

Because I could not say it
To anyone but the air
I’ll say it here
Happy Birthday
Belated of course
Because you know how I am on that day
I would apologize
But you wouldn’t hear my sorry any way

I love you
And I thank you
For showing me that love is something that doesn’t have to fade
But more importantly love is something I am capable of
Loving is something I can give away

One day I’ll do right by you
One day I will make her happier than anyone ever has
One day I will walk down an aisle
And I swear as I say I do
Under my breath I will be saying
It’s ok you couldn’t make it
I have taken this life and I will make it
Mom – I love you
And no matter what death has done to tear us apart
I won’t shake it

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