So we have all gotten to the age where certain things are no longer ok. You know we’re just at that point where you should just know better. I’m talking simple things, for instance: if you are over the age of 21 and getting fall down black out drunk I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOU. No but really. Most of us have been drinking since what? High school? I had my first horrible drunk moment with a bottle of Majorska and a bottle of Gatorade. Because well, doesn’t that sound absolutely delicious?
It was a GREAT time. But that was like what? Almost 9 years ago? (holy fucking shit). So my 23 year old self has no time for your self to be a sloppy mess around my self therefore making me look like I’m friends with the human equivalent of a sloppy joe. Feel me?
Things that did totally became ok? Having un breakfasty foods for breakfast. Such as beer and popsicles.Cuz you step up to your fridge and you’re like I’M AN ADULT WATCH ME.
Now the one thing. The one burning thing. That is no longer acceptable. Is the wanting, pining after, and hooking up with of ze straight girl. Much like how horrible cheap vodka will get you drunk a straight girl will flirt with you and maybe let you have The Sex. But then the next morning as you hug the toilet or hug the pillow she was laying on you come to realize – that was a bad fucking idea. Look. There is many a lady in this world. And many a lady is gay. Or bi. Or queer. So like, save yourself the pain. It isn’t going to end well. You are going to hate life for awhile. Nothing is going to make sense. Up will be down. Down will be up, and you’ll just be listening to Robyn and Adele in a really sad rotation wishing you had a cat to share the misery with, which wait you’ll probably have had already purchased with said straight girl or your ex girlfriend. Side bar – stop buying cats. They live really long fucking lives. And I’m guessing your relationship doesn’t have the shelf life of a Hostess snack. So no kittens. If you must, go the Jenny Schecter route and buy an old animal. One that you know…may not have that much longer left to go. It will die along with your relationship and then all the metaphors and analogies you write in your post break up short stories will make perfect sense. That was dark. I’m kidding. Mostly.
But look! Queer Grub is back.