In Defense of the Text Message Breakup

Oh no you didn’t with that title. That’s what you’re saying, I can feel you thinking it. I see those fists gurl, hol up real quick, lemme finish.

So after I read this:

I got to thinking. And while this chick clearly has a whole nother kit and kaboodle of shit going on. I thought to myself, is there really a Correct Way to end things?

When person A breaks up with person B chances are that no matter how person A does the deed person B is not going to be happy. Why? Because no one fucking likes being broken up with. No one is trying to deal with heartbreak. No one is trying to have to start dating again after they’ve been in a highly comfortable relationship. No one is trying to have to deal with the comments and opinions from friends when they have to break the news – that awkward silence that follows their questioning of where so and so is. Being single is well and grand but when someone cunt punts (or dick punts) your heart chances are you’re going to be a wee bit resentful towards love.

Cool, so much like queer peoples inevitable campaigning and bitching about the proper use of the Oxford Comma (shut.up.already) break ups are gonna happen.

Much like how there is no proper way to murder someone there is no right or wrong way to break up. Like yes I suppose there is a scale of douchebaggery to consider but really no matter if you are calling someone on the phone or taking them out to their Final Supper you are still fucking telling them that their love ain’t the kind of love that makes your heart piece beat. And no matter how you fucking go about it, you’re hurting someone else. Period.

Now, I am not saying that it is totally ok to end a serious relationship in emoji. But let us assess this, who is trying to have a “this isn’t working” talk in public? On the same note, who is trying to be in someone’s home, sitting in their space being like…well this has been a blast but this shall be the last time your couch touches my ass.

I send a lot of emails throughout the day, and a countless number of texts. I’ve had some pretty serious conversations spanning multiple topics via my keypad. And you know what? It doesn’t bother me one bit. I prefer it actually. The solid thing though that one does miss via text is tone. Telling a girl I love her for the first time in a text message might be a bit flat. Or taken a hell of a lot less seriously. But break ups aren’t usually a time for compassion. Yeah people may end things and say shit like I will always love you, this is my shit not yours, you’re amazing, I hope you find happiness, you can do better than me anyway, YADA YADA YADA but the period at the end of their rant is BUT DIS AINT WORKING.

Also no one is trying I get that ominous “we need to talk” text. And then have to anticipate the shit storm that is to come. I’m not justifying text message breakups but I also don’t think that they’re the worst thing in the world.

Should the last words you have to say to your soon to be ex, be via text? I’m not sure. Because, I don’t know your relationship. But I do know, either way, no one enjoys being broken up with. It is going to suck any way. You can’t exactly be a gentlemen in a breakup, no matter how “nice” you end things the person on the receiving end is going to have to deal with the emotions that come with feeling that they aren’t good enough. Even if that feeling only lasts for a minute, they will feel it, and really who ever wants that?


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