For far too long have I been verbally berated at parties. Given stank face after stank face. Yelled at. Snuffed at. Laughed at. And otherwise been made to feel like a mother fucking leper. Why, you ask? Because of my absolute hatred of avocados. Now I am the first to admit that I do not like a lot of foods. Foods which I understand people fucking love. For example, I hate seafood. Sorry about it, but the thought of eating something directly out of its shell is fucking disgusting to me. I’m envious of people who can eat everything and anything, because I know that I seriously can not. Like my tongue will actually not permit me to do so. Like I gag and it’s embarrassing and well yeah no one needs to see that.
Now back to avocado. People love avocado in a way that is borderline, well borderline insane to me. I am all about texture, and the texture of avocado makes me want to die. This green mush goop that you all fucking pine for literally makes me want to throw up. Whenever I admit this to someone I am met with a face that I feel is the same face one would make upon finding out that their crush was an axe murderer. People legitimately freak the fuck out on me. Which like. Look. You are eating what looks like baby food, and I understand that everyone else in your life is telling you that this love is a ok, and you know what I am not going to tell you it isn’t BUT don’t look at me like I’m the insane one here.
Now the thing is I am aware that I am literally preaching this to no one. Because fucking everyone LOVES avocado. Do you know how hard it is to hate foods that people would literally marry if possible?
There are 2 other foods I have this problem with. Chocolate and peanut butter. Oh how I wish peanut butter didn’t make me gag. But, it does. When I am at my brokest, I wish that I could eat peanut butter sandwich after peanut butter sandwich. I wish I could dip into jars of it late at night and have the perfect snack. But you know what? It just isn’t the case. Now chocolate on the other hand is just not important to me. It’s aight. But I could gladly go the rest of my life without ever eating it. People talk about Nutella in a way that I will never understand. It’s good. I get it. But it isn’t my life fruit.
So, here’s the thing. I am never going to like avocado. I am never going to go HAM on a PB&J. And I will never be able to make it through a Hershey bar. So can we all just maybe get past this? At parties can I just happily make my way through the cheese plate? Stop telling me that your guac will change how I feel. It isn’t. I promise. And I am sorry. I am sure your guacamole steals hearts at your community mulching party in Park Slope, but it just isn’t going to give me the boner you’re thinking it will.
There is only one other thing on this planet that grosses me out more than avocado.
I would eat a tree of avocados before I would let a knife full of mayo touch my sandwich. Mayonnaise is actually the most disgusting thing to ever exist. Ever.