Cat-chya Later

The definitive list of why I do not like cats:

1. Litter boxes.
You have a shit filled zen garden tucked away in some corner of your apartment. If said box is in the bathroom most showers will result will you having ever so lovely litter feet. Every few days you have to scoop said litter as your cat licks its paws and laughs on the inside about how you are actually its pet.

2. Cats meow.
Look I know, barking is annoying. But there is something about a meeeeow that is just god damn annoying MAINLY because the cat is literally just saying: Me. Now.

3. Hairballs.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.

4. The moodiness.
Humans are hard enough to read. I will not try and understand your moody pussy attitude. Be like a dog, love belly rubs and walks. Whenever a cat owner instructs me how to approach their cat I have to stifle back all the angry feels. I will not adjust the weight of my pet to appease your feline.

5. The sneakiness. The deception.
You never know what the hell is up with a cat. One minute you’re scratching kitties neck while it’s purring, the next second you have a gash in your hand.

6. The sleeping in places you need to access.
Yo puss why you in my sink? Why are you giving me judgement eyes for turning the shower on? I’ve been shoveling your poop and cleaning your hairballs. Get out.

7. No protection.
A cat would essentially yawn at a robber. Or rub its body on said robbers leg. Or claw their face out. YOU NEVER KNOW BECAUSE

8. No good toys.
Scratching posts? …ugh be better.

9. Lack of team spirit.
If your cat was a roommate it would be the roommate who leaves post its on dirty dishes and labels all their food. They wouldn’t chip in for cable and would veto all apartment bettering. They would also never let you throw parties but WOULD randomly smoke a joint with you.

10. They aren’t dogs.


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