I (don’t) Want My MTV

It is no surprise that 3 things occurred on the same day.
1. The anniversary of the destruction of Pompeii.
2. The biggest earthquake the bay area has felt since the 80’s.
3. Beyonce literally performing every song off her album at the VMA’s. Which absolutely only existed for her. Which like let’s talk about for a second. I am not sure when the VMA’s fell completely off the boat, but Jesus guys. What even was that Robin Williams tribute? It looked like an intern fell asleep using Microsoft Powerpoint (which ok we all have) but then decided to turn in the half assed project anyway (which ok we all have) BUT OUR PROJECTS NEVER MADE IT ON TO LIVE TV. I also think that maybe I have crossed into that threshold of “adult” because when these kids won a moon man I literally had to Google.


Also. Ariana Grande. Is 1. A human Bratz doll. 2. Clearly the actual fountain of youth. And like not necessarily in a HURRAY WE FOUND IT WAY. No like kinda the opposite.


3. Sounds like Mariah Carey if Mariah had bronchitis. Like her falsetto is stuffy. Kind of like she has to cough but jussst can’t get it out. I sound like I am totally hating on Miss. Grande. and I mean I am a little, it’s just because I miss THIS:

Also also I have never enjoyed an Usher performance less. Which has never happened ever. Because I fucking love Usher. Errrsher. But. No no no.


Also also also I have absolutely no more commentary on the VMA’s because they were fucking horrible.

(oh and in related ((I guess)) news: Suge Knight got shot at Chris Brown’s pre VMA party which I mean…when you go get sushi you’re probably going to get a spicy tuna roll…where there’s smoke there’s fire…when you hang out with human q-tips you get into waxy situations etc etc. – I am convinced at this point that Suge is an Avatar because this is literally the billionth time he has been near all the gunfire and cha cha slid away)

Now it has been said in jest many times that Beyonce controls many things. For example:
The internet – Bey released her latest album with not one peep, and not at a normal hour either. She literally forced you to wake up and buy her album. Conclusion: Beyonce is the sun.
The weather – When Beyonce (and some muggle named Jay-Z) played in San Francisco a weather phenomenon occurred in which a sound bubble of sorts was made. Meaning everyone in the city was treated to a free concert. Beyonce made the Earth create surround sound. All you’ve ever managed to do was use a Solo cup at a picnic in the hopes that your iPhone would get a little amplification. Conclusion: Beyonce is Earth. Or Earth is Beyonce.

And if Beyonce is both the Sun and the Earth.
Then Beyonce is actually the Universe.
And the illuminati are real.


I have never felt an earthquake before. And Beyonce if you can hear me, I would like to never feel one again. I understand that you were nervous about taking the stage with Jay-Z and Blue to shut down the world and all of the rumors and make all of Jay’s mistresses flee the country in fear. But like shaking the ground. It is taking your whole Who Run the World thing too far. With great power comes great Beyoncability.


Remember that.

Actually wait, I do have one more thing to say:

Jesse J killed it.