The Desire

The Desire

If you lay down your head and feel The Desire

It may be a for a few seconds or fall into a while

Know that even though it has lived inside so many of us

We are still strangers

Trying to fight each other’s desires

 

I have always felt like the freshman, like everyone around me already had their place and were just being polite; making room for me in a space that was already full. That with my addition would be cramped.

 

I haven’t felt much like pushing words out recently. Because that is exactly how they feel, pushed. My brain this year has been more than ever affected by my body. This brown boy walking. This brown boy living. This brown boy existing. This boy pushing. Trying to be a voice, but one that doesn’t push away or disrupt those in the positions of power of the places where I want to be to excavate my thoughts to the audiences that…who I hope that, need to hear me. I am that, I am that ellipses. Omitting words to ensure that I am not upsetting. Leaving them somewhere in the crevices of my own brain, so that I don’t have to shove them into the forefront of yours.

 

I am getting used to it.

 

Did you know that blankets can feel like concrete anchors; binding your body to a bed, already consumed with – covered by your tears, your anxious sweat, some crumbs from late night binging, and above all else your desire. No not sexual – The Desire. The Desire to get up and go off into the world. The Desire to answer a text, to return that call. To engage. It isn’t for lack of want, nor the lack of need, but it can get tricky. Tricky when the brain tells us it wants nothing more than to be alone; tricks us into thinking we are alone. Tricks us into saying our friends don’t really want us, that we are not needed. That we, “us” were just a fleeting moment in time. Add to that the fear of existing in this world as an other. Even worse, as a target.

 

You are alone with your concrete anchor and The Desire is taunting you.

 

How do we demolish the shadow that for many of us is ever present? It goes by many names,for some of us is it our actual self. We can treat some parts of the shadow with pills and substance. But there is no fulfillment. How can there be when the world itself is changing with you? For you?

 

You are filling a cup with tiny holes at the bottom. The stronger the substance the more rapid the water flows from the faucet , overwhelming the holes – and in that moment your glass is suddenly full. But you have never known fullness before. And it proves to be just as overwhelming as being entirely empty. You exist knowing that having far too little is exhausting; and having it all is something you are not worthy of. You walk a tightrope of understanding that it is your place, to always feel out of place. You are a freshman. We allow the faucet to get out of hand from time to time, and allow ourselves to feel excess but we know no limitations for the things we have never had, and won’t be able to hold on to, and so either  we or society decides to reduce the flow, and just like that our cup begins to drain. And just like that we are back to living with the shadow of The Desire.

 

I feel pain that you are gone. That he is gone. That she will be too. I feel, no, I am sorrow – a state that feels constant, familiar, and somehow like a friend harboring in an enemy.  Lingering in everyday life are the reminders of those who used to walk with us. A laugh that sounds too familiar. A hairstyle that you knew well. A story you’ve just read, a movie you want to see, a moment that would have instantly turned into an inside joke; but you take it in alone.

 

So, on those days, when the concrete anchor is on top of our chests. When the cup is all but fully drained. When we are lost in the memories that have brought us to this place. How do we, how do I get the words out to tell you? How do I dig into the crevices I possess, and give you a flashlight? How do I share with you that The Desire lives inside of me? That while I seem like a freshman, I have been here for so long. Purgatory that is fueling The Desire.

 

This brown boy is trying. While I watch so many of my brown skin folk dying.

 

Though we have been here for centuries. America treats us as freshman. So many firsts. Because we have never been given the chance before.

 

This trans boy is trying While so many of my brothers and sisters are being silenced by violence. The Desire of others and theirs as well.

 

Though we have been here forever. We were not always in view. And now our pride, our celebration of self, it is killing us.

 

My black life matters.

Her trans life – which is charged with the same heartbeat as yours.

It matters.

Maybe even more.

 

So we push out these words even though we are tired. Even though we fight The Desire. Even though we. are. so. tired.

We have made ourselves the brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and even the mothers and the fathers

that many of us have lost along the way.

 

If I breathe a day longer, I am fighting.

 

The Desire may take you, as it has taken so many. And if it does please know that we’ll miss you. But that we understand.

While the world never let you move past being a freshman; know that you were in fact a professor.

 

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Starshine

People always hunt for, and hope for, and wish for love. Yet when someone else gets it before them, they speak of how false, and put on, and too rushed it all is.

Of course there are those of us who crave being single. And wish to navigate this world solely with the love of friends, without hoping for the love of a stranger to come and swoop them off their feet. But we should remember that, that stranger may come. And it may be wonderful. Of course it also may turn out horrible. But the morning will come and you will restart.

We’ve all been hurt by someone. Whether or not it was someone who was once a beautiful stranger at a bar. Or the person who was supposed to tuck you in at night and hum you lullabies.

No one can understand what two people have. Hell those two people may be confused by their chemistry. Your experience with relationships is yours. The way you act in relationships is different than how your friends do. Give advice but note your differences. Note your own experience, your own struggles, what your life has been – before you give your advice.

We are all scared.
They say we are being hurled through space. Us. Here on Earth. Maybe falling in love is us actually feeling it. Maybe those black holes are the relationships we stayed in for too long. And maybe all of those gorgeous stars, the ones that are light years away, they are the people we will eventually tumble into.

We all fail. And we all succeed. The tide comes in and the tide rolls out, because the moon just won’t quit it’s relationship with us.

Don’t give up on an us. Or many us’s. Or them. Don’t bury your head in the sand of your past forever. But also, don’t ever leave yourself behind. But in the event that you do – and you will, don’t count out that beautiful stranger in the bar, taking your hand and bringing you back. Don’t count out your friends, you chose them after all. But don’t question how they function, in loves free fall.

The 20 Things That Will Happen On Any Lesbian Vacation

1. Matching shirts. Preferably with nicknames and numbers. Because the last time you were with this many lesbians was playing college sports. And clearly as a herd of lesbians you don’t already look like a fucking semi pro team.

2. Bring your fair share of cut off tees. Utilize neon in any accessory possible.

3. Its not a casual wear kind of outfit without your headband.

4. Begin speaking only in inside jokes.

5. Make best friends with a new group of girls in the time it takes to buy them shots.

6. Realize how small the lesbian world is when in that new group of friends you realize you actually: played basketball with one of them, date one of their exs, live across the hall from their great aunt.

7. Take as many pictures as possible showcasing the amount of liquor you are consuming. All alcoholic bottles must be in pictures. MUST.

8. Makeout with the friend you PROMISED you never would.

9. Get into at least one insanely stupid emotional fight with either and ex or fellow team member (best friend).

10. Forget to eat.

11. Become the whore I mean “da man” you’ve always dreamed of.

12. Blackout during daytime hours.

13. Wakeup amongst strangers…and than go to breakfast with them.

14. Lose one friend to them being belligerently drunk. Freak out. Only to find them making out with some girl in the bushes.

15. Have some serious drunken heart to hearts. Including at least one over informing game of “Never Have I Ever”.

16. Puke on a friend.

17. Be involved in some form of competitive sporting event. (flip cup)

18. Lose your phone.

19. Make fun of every group that isn’t yours.

20. Fall in (“omg this was totally unexpected”) love.