Gendgrrr.

I was taking a shower earlier -the place where I do all of my hard thinking what was I thinking about? I was thinking about the anxiety that I feel when I send my resume to potential employers. Should I put a footnote in that I am a gender non conforming person? Should my cover letter also include something about my gender representation? Do employers here in NYC really still fucking care about things like that? (I’m not personally speaking about the corporate world think restaurants, art galleries, small media firms etc). I was thinking about what my gender meant to me. I was thinking how everyone in New York knows that to succeed you have to play the game. You play it well, expect success but if you don’t learn the rules well, this city will eat you up.

One of my friends is going under the knife for what is known conversationally as “peck surgery”. They do not wish to transition through T and do not wish to change their name. They like me, and many others see themselves in more of a grey area as far as gender is concerned. I get that, because I live that, but society has yet to catch up.

It got me thinking: Would life be easier if I were to change my sex from M to F; legally I mean. I present myself in mens clothes, am tall, and am seen by strangers and often by casual acquaintances as a man. Over the course of the past year I have started to only go by Ryley as opposed to my extremely feminine name Nina. But legally I am still a woman. And the reason for that is because I do not feel like I was born in the wrong body. I do not wish to make any adjustments to my physique, I just know mentally that I am neither sex.

It is not only when sending out resumes that I feel the pressures of being gender queer. Before I leave the house I make sure I use the bathroom. I rarely use public restrooms. I can not use women’s bathrooms in spaces that are largely hetero. In theory yes, I should be allowed to, but in practice it just isn’t happening. Women take one look at me and assume I’m a man, men are not allowed in women’s spaces. The end. Lambda Legal has an awesome FAQ sheet for trans people which you can read http://data.lambdalegal.org/publications/downloads/trt_equal-access-to-public-restrooms.pdf. But see, I’m not trans. I don’t want to be a man. And yes while Lambda Legal describes being transgender as an umbrella term I don’t see myself as trans. I also know that in practice no matter how many laws I pull out of my ass, both pedestrians and law enforcement are not exactly kind to gender varient people.

So again I come to this point in my brain, where I question whether or not I should legally change my pronouns.

When may I change my gender on my driver’s license?

You may change your gender on your NY driver’s license by providing a statement from a physician, psychologist or psychiatrist on their letterhead certifying that one gender predominates over the other and that you are either a male or female. (see sample letter at post titled “gender change on New York driver’s license”). There may be a fee imposed by the DMV. – transgenderlegalchangesnys.com

I don’t personally care that a bouncer at a club will forevermore think that I am a guy because my license says M. I do not mind continuing to search for non gender exclusive bathrooms, or frequenting bars/spaces where I know that I won’t be told where to pee. What I do care about is having to use mens lockerooms, because well, I do not have a penis, and I do not want to be in a space with a bunch of naked dudes. Sorry. I’m. Not. Sorry. I have thought about binding my breasts when I go to certain clubs, just in case someone rubs against me and starts to ask questions. I have thought about getting pack to pee devices so that I can pee in urinals. The problem is I do not feel comfortable around men in bar bathrooms. I do what I have to do, but I do it with fear.

Should I have to change my gender? Or should I have constant battles with security and society? I changed my name so that I didn’t have to come out of the closet every time I met someone new. People are allowed to assume whatever they want is or isn’t in my pants. But my anxieties about day to day life have not up and disappeared. It is easier for me to pass as a male then to be known as girl that dresses like a guy. I have brainstormed why that is the case for countless hours, maybe it is different for other people but for me it has proven to be true. When people think I am a straight man, or a gay man, or just an effeminate hipster writer everything is good and gravy. But when I come out as a female bodied person underneath my male ensemble, well all bets are off. Sometimes people are more then ok with it, they shrug it off, or start off with conversations about people in their lives or people they have meet similar to me. But other times conversations abruptly end. Looks that could kill are given; because after all people don’t like being deceived. But am I deceiving? Or am I just living my life the way I want to? Without the restrictions that gender roles have put on so many?

If someone asks about my religious background I will proudly tell about my Jewish parents and grandparents, about my personal experience as Quaker. I won’t hide from my African American background or my white parents. But what I do have a hard time explaining to those who I know are outside of the LGBTQA spectrum is explaining who I was born as and who I am now. Coming out of the closet to strangers can be endlessly frustrating, sexuality is one thing, but it seems gender is on entirely different grounds.

Do not get my wrong, I am extremely happy with who I am. And more importantly I know who I am and who I am not. I am someone who falls somewhere in between when it comes to gender. I am not a man and I am not a woman. We have made huge strides in gay acceptance and gay rights under President Obama, but it was vice president Joe Biden who called for better rights for transgender people. What about those of us who do not want a gender? Where do we fit into the puzzle?

It is a weird place to get to, when one realizes that they are different. That there isn’t an easy way to explain who they are. I cringe when people say she in reference to me, I feel more comfort with he, but I do not want to be a Mr. I just want to be a Ryley.

I’m Just Tryna Pee

You see two bathrooms. I see a very big decision. If you’re a man you enter the “Mens” room. If you’re a woman you enter the “Womens” room. But what if you are neither, what if you used to be one and now are the other? Where do you go? There is one sign that I love seeing more than anything else in this world.

Simple right? A sign that allows both sexes inside. If you’re trans or genderqueer a sign like this is literally life changing. Their is an extreme fear that lives inside of me on a night where I know I am going out. Going out to establishments that aren’t necessarily gay or particularly aware of the needs of an individual who is gender neutral or who has changed genders. I usually postpone going to the bathroom for as long as possible, although it has become very clear to me that in a world of straight people I can easily pass as a man and therefore have no problems entering mens restrooms. When I do enter mens rooms though there are many fears that run through my mind:
1. I am alone in a room with drunk men how do I blend in?
2. If any altercation were to happen who is to say that I would be safe and who is to say that management would give a fuck.
3. Will there be a stall?
4. Will that stall have toilet paper?
The list goes on and on and on and on and on and…you get the point.

Usually in this pretty gay friendly city I can find compassion and places where I don’t feel like I’m being judged. Usually. There have been more occasions than I can count where my gender or non gender has gotten me and those who’ve I’ve been with into some very hostile situations. Heres the thing though. I won’t back down. I do not feel comfortable in women’s bathrooms. I feel just as uncomfortable in men’s rooms. I am also very conscious of how others perceve me. In a straight world I am a man. Therefore my presence in a woman’s room causes uproarious response. My presence in a men’s restroom usually goes without a word. Even when a man has recognized that I am fermale bodied they’ve joked with me and been (thus far) extremely cool with it. It’s very funny that in my experience women have been more hostile and have lacked any form of understanding of who I am. I seriously do not get it. Nor am I trying to. I am simply trying to pee in peace. I do not want to get beat up, yelled at, questioned, or otherwise berated. I want to fucking use the toilet.

Last night I was screamed at by a bouncer of one of my favorite “straight” bars. In the past he has told me that I had every right to use the woman’s room and that I was being disrespectful by using the mens bathroom. Disrespectful to who I asked? I am simply trying not to have my ass beat. I tried explaining to him by situation but his ears were mute. Last night after entering the bar I made my way to the mens bathroom, and when I got out I was screamed at. I was told that if I ever entered the men’s restroom again I would be refused entry to the bar. I was told that by entering the mens room I was taking advantage and disrespecting the establishment. I do not see myself as a female. I do not see myself as a male. I see myself as a paying consumer who as a paying consumer would like to use the establishments restrooms. Of course as simple as this looks on paper in real life looks like a big old pile of shit (sorry for that reference in all of this bathroom speak). But seriously. SERIOUSLY.

My biggest problem at venues has always been bouncers. ALWAYS. Everyone has problems with bouncers. They are on ego trips higher than any of us could properly grasp. Meatheads with the power to turn away the rich, beautiful, black, white or ugly. They have the ultimate power into ruining your night. They also have the ultimate power in ensuring whether or not you are allowed to ever re enter an establishment. Awesome. Yeah ok not all bouncers are assholes yada yada blah blah blah most of them are, it’s true deal with it. I’m not apologizing for that generalization.

The fact that I could be screamed at for using a bathroom is beyond me. How many of us have been to gay bars? (all hands up) Now most gay bars have bathrooms that are for all to use. Girls, boys, queens, fairies, twinks…. WE ALL PEE TOGETHER and with no issues. No problems. No disrespect. Why? Because we  get it. Ever been to the dressing rooms at Patricia Fields? Unisex and open. No clothing sex wars go down. No disrespect. NO PROBLEM.

I rarely get stupid angry. But I am. Like stupid. Blinding light. Flashes of Madonna vs. Lady Gaga hell angry. I am a person. Not just a gender. My choice to ignore gender has opened the flood gates into allowing other people to essentially pick on me. You can not deny me entry because I did not pee in the bathroom that YOU think I should have gone into.

You best believe that I’m taking some form of action. I want to go out. I want to have fun. I want to be able to go to a bathroom and not be berated by meathead bouncers. Das. It.