Missing MySpace

8kqibqh

I was on Facebook the other day, and a feeling of frustration hit me. I was bored. Bored of the site, bored from the sameness of every one of my friend’s walls, bored of the algorithms in place pushing posts I didn’t care about to the top of my feed. Bored of the “trending news” topics that when compared to Twitter, seemed to be trending on Facebook and Facebook alone. I sighed remembering the pure excitement another site used to generate. That website of course, being MySpace. If you were a teenager in the 2000’s a massive chunk of your life was spent switching back and forth from AIM to MySpace.

I remember using third party search engines on the school computers, trying to beat firewalls so that I could check my MySpace inbox. We didn’t have smartphones then, making the hours at school feel truly feel endless. At home, online, there was an entire world waiting. A world our parents lived in fear of. “Don’t meet people off the Internet” seemed to be the sentiment heard out of the mouths of anyone of our parent’s generation. My dad would have probably died, had he known how strongly I ignored his warning. I had, met, and continued many relationships with tons of kids I’d met on MySpace.

Facebook feels like checking my Gmail. It feels like something necessary. It doesn’t feel like something special. MySpace was special. There were so many portals on MySpace, endless amounts of groups, endless amounts of profiles, numerous bands, and the freedom to do whatever you wanted to your profile. You could simply never outgrow MySpace, because it grew with you; you were the driving force of your experience.

As a young lesbian, MySpace provided an LGBTQ universe that was unfathomable in my suburban world. I had gay friends all over the world, I could flirt with girls openly, and talk to older queer folks about their experiences. The 2000’s was of course the time of The L Word, and there was no greater place to talk about the show then in the numerous groups devoted to the show on MySpace. I to this day still have friends that I met in The L Word forum.

All the creativity it seems, has gone to Tumblr. Ello tried, and failed to recreate the magic that MySpace had. Facebook feels like Craigslist. It exists. It works. But it lacks any form of creativity. No matter how much you put into either, they will still exist as the very 2D structures that they are.

I used to spend hours perfecting my profile on AIM, my away messages, and my MySpace. These I felt, were all extensions of myself. Similar to the clothes I wore, my online presence was a clear indicator of self. And at a time when my style could not reflect who I truly was, MySpace saved me. Hours were spent gossiping on AIM, subtle shade was thrown on your top 8, shout outs were made to those “worthy” on away messages. You got to choose where you sat in this online cafeteria. The person I was at school, was nothing like the proud, sometimes cocky, flirtatious lesbian I was on MySpace.

I came out on MySpace years before I did in person.

Lenovo just released their teaser commercial for their upcoming June launch of their newest phones. In it, a relic of every 20 somethings past is on full display; the Internet went crazy. And of course we did, The Razr was the phone of a generation. If Lenovo is indeed releasing a 2016 worthy version of The Razr, well I must say well played. We are a generation that lives for nostalgia. We were born at the odd time where the technology of yesterday was still holding on strong, yet rapid advancements were occurring it seemed every moment. We grew up using floppy discs, CD’s, and flash drives. I had a cassette player, a Walkman, an MP3 player, and finally an iPod. We were a generation of constant and fast adaption. And maybe because of that, we were it seemed almost nostalgic from the beginning. Our online profiles, playing homage to the things we loved, the celebrities we admired, the soundtracks of the moment, the people in our lives; they were one of the only things we were in control of.

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Waiting for the N train last night I thought to myself: has anyone ever fucking lost it waiting for a train? Like just fucking went ape shit after having to wait 45 minutes on a platform with no cell service? And no telling of when a train will actually show up? I’m not exactly sure how the MTA gets away with playing us all so hard. But shit is fucked up. I’d be all “we should occupy the subway” but the thought of being stuck for any longer than usual is just un fathomable.

Alas its Friday and it’s been one long fucking week. The kids are all going crazy for The Hunger Games (uhm hi I never read the book but look at the star) 
De.Lic.Ous.

I needed something as epic as Harry Potter that wasn’t Twilight. That shit is over right? Like Bella is dead or a vampire or whatever the fuck and the wolf boy is now wolf glue and Rob Pats is idk…biting bitches getting stitches? More importantly. Did you hear? Her highness, I mean JK Rowling, is starting a new series. I could use another line of books that span out across an entire decade. Holla holla hai hai. Speaking of people who will holla for a dolla I watch this video everyday:

America.

Meanwhile you know damn well Red Bull and Mountain Dew are on the phone right now trying to make go-go juice a real thing. Which we all already had as children:

Yeah that’s right. Where the flying fuck did Surge go? For that matter where did all of the fun things from our childhood go? Children’s toys and candy nowadays are poop. Yes I said it. Polly Pocket of the present is the size of a Barbie Doll. Look if your kid was horrible enough to eat someone as lovely as Polly well they deserved not to play with her. Simple mathematics. Speaking of Barbie she now has a camera. That’s uhm kind of little kid creepy.

How is it that when we were younger teens were being stupid and meeting strangers off MySpace (you know those emo children) yet modem day kids are utilizing the Internet to bully the living daylights out of each other? Why you guys so mean? We wanted friends and to be loved, you guys want to be little fuck wads. I blame the absence of crunchy M&M’s and Snapple Rain. 4 Loko has destroyed you.

Enjoy your weekend. Go punt an 8th grader and, be really fucking sad like I am that Tim fucking Tebow is now wearing my white and green. 

OkCreepin and Lovin and Whether or Not They be Co-Existin

Yes.
We are going there.

Your on it. I’m on it. That chick at the bar you’re trying to avoid eye contact with at all costs; she’s on it. You know what I’m talking about. We’re all sippn the OkKoolAide. OkCupid what have you done to us?

So no part of me is embarrassed to be on this…social networking dating extravaganza? I’m not even sure what the hell OkCupid has become. It is quite a way to spend the night post bar. Going home alone? No worries there are thousands of people online just. like. you.

We are a generation filled with narcissists. Face it. You care. You care a whole lot. People “liking” your status on Facebook just wasn’t enough. I get it. Plus Myspace doesn’t exist anymore so the whole sending someone that you don’t know a random message can’t happen. Side bar:


FACE BOOK IS NOT A DATING WEBSITE. YOU MESSAGING SOMEONE THAT YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS WITH IN THE HOPES OF GETTING A DATE IS CREEPY.
C. R. E. E. P. Y.

…in case you never got that notification.

OkCupid is the result of our childhood dreams coming true. It is everything we ever practiced for. We started with Xanga but that shit got old quick. Then a new girl came to town; Live Journal you provided so much space for us to get out our middle school angst. We could just type it out and watch it magically appear as an internet hard copy. It was the closest many of us could get to being published. Our words were etched in internet glory, forever more. But eventually we got over our angst (starting taking zoloft) and just in time for our raging hormones Myspace came to town. Myspace was, essentially the coolest online bar ever for a good few years… Well, as long as you weren’t one of those kids who thought it was all peachy to meet strangers in back alleys in which case, RIP.

Myspace got shit right. We had music, coast to coast hotties, weird self validating groups, OTHER GAY PEOPLE, profile personalization, fights…*sigh* don’t lie, Myspace was internet heaven. But then some dude named Mark gut punched Tom and we all jumped ship to Facebook.

Now I love me some FB. Aside from the fact that all my relatives are now on it and I now know that my grandmother knows WAYYYY too much. But something about Facebook is missing. For some reason Myspace was sexual. There was absolutely nothing wrong with sending someone a message and being like: omgyouliketheusedtooyoursidebangsaresohawtletsgetmatchingtatoodandtakepicturesofeachothetholdingsignswithheartssothrworldcanseethatwereinlove.

Facebook is lacking the sexy. But thankfully OkCupid brought ze Sexy Back. Speaking of where the fuck has Justin Timberlake gone?

Really though. Justin Beiber is not a good enough replacement. Like not even close.

Anyway. Moving right along. Why are we all so obsessed with being immediately validated. Whether it be for our looks, music taste, or insanely witty profiles? Why do we need to find love online? Except wait. I’m sorry, hol up excuse me people aren’t looking for loprofiles any profiles have you read that specifically state that said individual is not looking for a relationship? Like 90% of all Okcupid profiles.

It’s like the assumption is: of course I can be on OkC, but it’s kind of a joke and I don’t expect to find love exceptI’m going to check my visitors section everyday anyway in hopes that (insert username) has totally been checking me out. If I were looking for love which I’m nooot I would do it the old fashioned way. Also don’t think that I’m here for casual sex, I’m not that girl.

So uh what the fuck are you doing?

Oh and then AND THEN theres that massive collection of people stating that they are actually super busy and probably won’t get back to your message unless you’re super worth it. O HAI I’m sorry who died and made you the dating worlds teenage dream. Your name aint Beiber bitch.

I am a firm believer in going in and going in hard (I don’t even want to hear the jokes forming in your sick sick mind) if I’m going to make a profile on yet another god damn website, I’m going to put some effort into it. What are these half ass one line profiles? Look mother fucker if you’re too cool you’re too cool but than you wouldn’t be here now would you? You are that girl at the bar, who stares people down until said person (you) start talking to her, buy her a drink and realize that she’s only really here to make you feel like you want her but can’t get her because she actually has absolutely nothing interesting to say and really only wants to get a few free drinks before she can go home feed her cat and than masturbate to her vinyl collection and Tumblr.

My favorite thing about OkCupid (besides the 5 star match search game GENIUS) is reading all of the bi girls complain about how many dudes hit them up. Because you know they actually secretly love it. O wait I lied hol up hol up my actual favorite part of OkC are the bat shit messages I’ve received. People really. REALLY REAALLLLLLLLY let their freak flags fly. Like o I’m sorry did you actually think this was a good way to get someone to respond to you? EVER? Friends. I give you the best OKC message. Ever:

*clapping.hands.with.shifty.eyes*…what if i look stupid sitting here clapping my hands for what appears to be no reason? Then what? Okay, in case you’re wondering at what point this will be relevant to you, that’s now. First things first…what part of BK you living? Seriously, it’s straight conservative where I be. Lucky you, lols. Secondly, riding a bike in NY is safe, if you have the stamina for it. Seriously, your death will come when you decided to slow down and ‘catch your breath’…lols. Just kidding. Maybe. Anyhoo, I likes adventures. I would say love but I’m a college student so, it doesn’t happen enough to change that. If you’re not turned off by randomness…say hola back. Just like that.
…wait
…what
…like
…really?

God its people like you who make internet dating seem so fucking weird.

Which leads us right into another post because it is Throwback Thursday after all:

It all started with a Robyn song…doesn’t it always?

It got me thinking.

We can hang out. We can chill. We can cuddlefuckpartykissmakeoutbond but we CAN NOT fall in love. How many times have you heard that one? Like actually directly: “Look I like you but this whole relationship; love shit, it aint goin down.” Which ok I get and I’m totally cool with but to a point. We’re young we should be dating and finding out what we want out of life never mind love but is there really something so terrible about just letting it happen?

Emotionally unavailable people blow. Always. In any form of relationship. I personally am a runner. I’ll own up to it. When things get too real when I could be blindsided. When a bitch could break my heart and leave me well…crying watching The Notebook and eating Papa Johns…wait. What? As I was saying – I’m gone. OUT. Haithiswasfunbutireallygottagonow. I’m working on it. I hear its called growing up. But while I am a runner I am not a heart waller. What is a heart waller you ask? A heart waller is someone who could very well be incredibly charming. They may be amazing. But their heart? Their heart is under lock and key. Try all you’d like. But sorry Charlie you are not allowed.

When our parents were our age bitches were MARRIED. Now I am by no means trying to wife anyone (unless…any takers?) but it is really interesting that the generation gap between us and our parents extends into love. Let’s face it us New Yorkers extend our youth as far as possible. Find me another city where its ok for people in their thirty’s to have roommates and no set partner. I’m by no means hating. But the speed of NYC, the pretenses of why most of us are here, it all sets us up for a super unloving way of life.

It also can not be ignored that for us gays the whole marriage thing was never an option until recently so we could kind of file it under #shitthatsnevergoingtohappen and be kiddie winks forever. But guess what homo’s? We can now. At least here in the tri state. Which means our parents can now apply the same pressure on us that they’ve been hassling our siblings with. That’s right. The Christmas is going to come, when mom is all so when are you going to stop going to that Cubby place and actually find a decent girl? Wham bam mom got real. So when are you? Hm?

I shall go back to my ever reliable source into the minds of lesbians OkCupid. My research (creeping) has left me scratching my head. OkCupid IS a dating site…implying that those on it are looking for…dates…and possibly (cover your lesbian ears) love. You’re like no way in hell am I meeting my future boo thang online. But let’s pause for a second. Is it less embarrassing to explain to mom and dad or any straight friend, that you two met plastered after drinking way too many 2 dollar margs (straight friends will understand) OR at a party with a word like, cunt, titty or finger in the title?

“I don’t know dad the dancers cleared off the stage at Truck Stop and I saw her standing there post lapdance and I was all fuck, mother of my unborn children. Right there.”

Honestly. We met online is sounding a hellofalot better. Hello? Our divorced parents would totally understand EHarmony and Match.com anyone?

But back to the question at hand. Why is love so scuurry? I actually want to know. Why? What’s the problem? Being busy sucks. Being in school and constantly being busy and working a job sucks. Being stuck in a well for 8 hours sucks. Love, love sometimes sucks too. But all of those moments seem a bit less sucky when you can pick up your phone emoticon filled and all and see: Baby I <;3 you.

Ok its not that serious. But you know…winter is coming aka lesbian wifing season. I know you want someone to knit that scarf for and watch re runs of The L Word while playing with your brand new kitten. Don't even lie. You dream of that snow day.